May 29, 2011
I decided late in the afternoon yesterday to head for the woods in Southern Maine for the first camping trip of the season. We drove over three hours to a state park in the Lakes Region (where I used to live) and set up camp at 10pm. Thank the Universe for LL Bean tents that go up quickly, even in the dark.
Due to the spontaneous, unplanned nature of this trip (which, I guess, is how I tend to operate) I didnt check any of the equipment :) It was pretty much the way I left it after the last trip I took, last summer :) My mom did intervene and clean the long "toasting" forks when she saw what they looked like :) One of the propane tanks was empty, but so far that is the only malfunction we have had.
We put up one dome tent last night and finished setting up camp this morning. I forgot how hard the ground is, even when you have a sleeping pad. I am going to invest in a self-inflating Thermarest this season, I think.
My backpacking equipment has been unpacked and checked. It's ready to go...but I am not so sure I am (hence why we are base camping this weekend). I am so ridiculously out of shape it is shameful. I managed to run about 2.5 miles yesterday (it was humid) but I am barely pulling a 10 minute mile, and it HURTS.
I feel like such a fucking loser. A fraud. I can feel and see the extra weight. Damn it, 20 pounds is a lot on a little body. My arms jiggle, my belly sticks out, my legs have no shape. I feel gross. But I am at that point where I look at it, at myself, and feel hopeless and desperate. Asking myself, "What the fuck am I going to do?" I know what needs to be done. And I know how to do it. But...well...
Sometimes its not that easy.
I havent had any sugar garbage at Starbucks for over a week. No lattes in closer to two. In order to pacify myself, I decided Sundays would be my day to have a latte and a rice crispy bar if I wanted it. I did want the latte this morning, but I think I have found that I like Americano's better. I want to get an icecream cone from a local dairy in Maine today or tomorrow, so I am going to skip the rice crispy bar.
I have been eating much better, real, whole foods. But I am still taking in about 1700 calories a day. I just dont like to feel hungry. I get weird. I am going to need to work on that a bit. I need to get this extra weight off, and I cant do that eating 1700 calories every day.
Exercise is another thing that is just "hard" for me right now. I HATE it. Which isnt the way it was. I havent been to the gym in months. I have had to FORCE myself to run outside and as I mentioned above...it is slow and it HURTS. I am back in class full time starting Tuesday, and I am trying to figure out a plan that will incorporate some kind of exercise into my day. I have to. I cant keep this up. Its gross.
I am working with a couple of midwives and having a really good time. I am actually going to go for an apprenticeship this winter, which is not something I thought I originally wanted, but now feel very drawn towards.
My mom has a contractor working on an in home office space for me. I am going to open a practice, hopefully this fall. I am excited, but a little overwhelmed. Lots of exciting things will come from that, too, I am sure. This makes it even more important for me to get my shit together and be the product I preach.
Lots to do and lots of places to be. :) I am going to try hard to get out at least twice a month for a hiking/camping/adventure. I have a few in mind already :)
I miss that Cute Boy so much...and my heart aches for the Married Guy.
I am going to look through a book for a little while, grab lunch and then head back into the woods. We are right on the lake so will probably sit on the beach, make a fire, roast veggie dogs and marshmallows and relax tonight. We have fireworks :)
Later!
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