Lazy

Yeah, I havent done anything since the run. I am kind of sore. I had a big lunch at about 3pm that included pumpkin soup, a huge "Thanksgiving" salad and my last cranberry pecan roll. Then I had dessert - about a half cup of frozen yogurt, a spoonful of chocolate almond butter and a kashi cookie crumbled over the top. I am at 1650 calories so far for the day. I will eat again later most likely.

I have been sitting here on my bed looking at dollhouse sites. I want to build a 1:12 scale house. I have a lot of miniatures from when I was a kid. My dad made them all and they need a place to "live." I dont know where I am going to put said dollhouse, but I *WANT* it.

Plans for tonight include watching Desperate Housewives, working online some more and maybe playing with my dollhouse. Tomorrow I am going to take it easy -maybe even take a rest day depending on how I am feeling when I get up. I am going to do some more Christmas decorating, wrap the presents I have, work on Ebay, and I might make some items for the AG dollhouse or some miniatures for the dollhouse to be.

I may (or may not) be back later. Be good to yourselves.

Happy Sunday!

I went to bed last night about 10:30. Saturday night and I am laying around in a doll room watching Good Eats on DVD. Yeah, people, I am a loser. I slept until almost 8am and got up in the same shitty mood I have been in for the last few days. I even texted a friend "I already hate today and I havent even gotten out of bed yet."

I looked out the window, saw the sun shining and thought "Oh fuck, that means I have to run." I sat in bed for a little while and tried to think up a decent excuse not to go. But I had none. My body still carries all of its fat cells and it would be REALLY easy for them all to expand again. I dont want to be fat. And that's that.

Then it hit me. I think I will run 10 miles today. Yeah. I will. I took my time making and eating breakfast - loaded pumpkin oats. And then I put on my running gear. I started running right from the front door. Today's goal was to run for distance. I wanted 10 miles. I made deals with myself that I could take walk breaks if I wanted to after I did 4-6 miles (which is my average) and that it was OK to go slow. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

I took a different route than usual right from the start. I had a general idea of where I wanted to go but mostly I just ran to run. I went through Stow, Sudbury, and Wayland. I passed the high school and did one lap around the track. The track I could barely walk around when I was in highschool. I ran up the road and past the guy's parent's house while playing that Def Leppard song over and over again. I ran through the center of Sudbury dodging traffic. I didnt stop to walk.

Around mile 7 I figured out I was a lot more than 3 miles away from home, so I turned around and headed back in the general direction of Maynard. I started to hurt around mile 8 and noticed that I was having some trouble lifting my knees to get on and off of sidewalks. I watched the Garmin ticking off the mile tenths. I was going to run the 10 with NO breaks. It was mine. All mine. I picked up speed at that point and just kept going.

I got into the center of Maynard and knew I couldnt stop to cross the intersection. I knew if I stopped I wouldnt be able to start again and I was going to run the full 10 damn it. All of it. So I turned up Waltham Street, put my head down, and gave it hell - UP HILL! I watched the Garmin and as soon as it hit 10.00 I stopped.

My average pace for a 10 miler with a LOT of hills 9:38!! I am really pleased with this. My average for 4-6 miles is 8:30 and I figured I would be over a 10 minute mile today but I rocked it!! Very pleased. When I stopped everything hurt. I wondered a few times if I would be able to make it home. I had my cell with me just in case - but decided I was not going to be a pussy and I would suck it up and walk the 2 miles back. And I did. My mom passed me with about a mile left to go and asked me if I wanted a ride - I declined. I am not weak. Pain is weakness leaving the body! I ran the last half mile.

When I got back to the house I made the best recovery shake ever! A cup of TJs greek yogurt, 1/2 cup pumpkin, almond milk, big squirt of agave, a whole banana, lots of pumpkin pie spice, and a big handful of spinach. I drank it with a 50 calorie bag of pretzels (for the salt) and two bottles of water. I iced my knees and my right hamstring. Stretched it all out. And took a LONG, hot shower.

Today wasnt about the scale or about punishing myself. It was all about clearing my head and seeing what I am capable of. It was pushing myself beyond my comfort zone. And it was all that I had hoped it would be.

To think only 21 months ago I weighed 261 pounds - and today I ran 10 miles, and walked 2 for a total of 12 miles non-stop !!! I feel like a superstar! I burned 1200 calories during today's run. I am gonna eat whatever the fuck I want all day ;)

See ya later!

Dinner was served...

I had the veggie burger and sweet potato, along with a small salad. I hit 2000 calories EASY today. Ugh. At least I had a good workout this morning. I have been craving the veggie burger and sweet potato - the salad was intended to be "volume" so I would feel full - but let me tell you about the salad.

It was the best salad I have EVER made. It was a Thanksgiving salad. I started with a small handful of baby spinach and added about a tablespoon of cottage cheese onto which I sprinkled cinnamon and then dropped another tablespoon of homemade cranberry sauce. I added some apple slices, carrot chunks and a small scoop of trail mix. Sprinkled garlic vinagarette over the apple slices and then added tiny scoops of sweet potato casserole and butter nut squash. Oh my god I thought I would die right there eating it - it was sooooooooo good. I thought a couple of times of just putting the veggie burger and "fries" away and having more salad and a cup of soup but the meal had already been made. Tomorrow, folks, tomorrow.

Tomorrow's salad is going to be even more badass and I am havin' it with pumpkin soup. Shooting for a totally pumpkin day tomorrow! I think that pumpkin, squash and sweet potatoes are the some of the world's very finest foods ;) And I could eat them all EVERY day.

Speaking of perfect foods (and drinks) I have found a tea that I dont think I can live without. Celestial Seasonings "Candy Cane Lane." The most delicious drink I have EVER had!! A little shot of agave and it feels like I am drinking something decadent for 20 calories (the agave). I have just about finished off the box I have. I am going to have to find it again and stockpile it since it is a seasonal flavor. While I am looking I want to try and find a good pumpkin tea, too :) I have an eggnog one and a gingerbread one - but I cant find anything I like as much as Candy Cane Lane.

I have had a seriously bad attitide for the last couple of days and I am now blaming it on the weather. It has been raining for several days and I have had to run on the treadmill or in the the rain. I have gotten no sunshine. Today I ran outside and there was sunshine. Today, my attitude is much much improved.

Still cant believe it took me 37 years to find all of these things.

I have a little visitor in the doll room tonight (Layla). She has her ratty little doll hanging out in the dollhouse. She is messing it all up but it is cute to listen to her playing.

GOODNIGHT!!!!!

ETA: OMG ... there are dirty little fingers all over my retired hard to find doll stuff...maybe this wasnt such a good idea. Now there are two of them in here

I suck

It is a little after 5pm on a Saturday night and I am thinking about getting ready for bed. :::sigh::: I suck. I seriously have no life. No where to go. Nothing to do.

I did go to Trader Joes but just for spinach, bananas, agave and yogurt. They had a lot of Christmas food and candy out. I wanted a box of gingerbread men but didnt buy it because I have so much crap in the house now and dont really *need* it. But I became obsessed with the gingerbread cookies on the way home. Couldnt get them out of my head. Soooo, I made a cup of candy cane tea (sooooo good) with a little agave and had a Kidz Clif Z bar - the limited edition Smores one. Yum. Killed the craving for only 130 calories.

I am debating dinner right now. I could have a yummy bowl of pumpkin soup with a small salad and some Thanksgiving leftovers. I could have a pita pizza loaded with veggies. I could have a veggie burger and sweet potato "fries." So hard to decide! I am getting hungry so I better make a decision soon before I go nuts and eat it all.

See ya later.

Sitting around...

I chose not to go to work today. I have had a rough couple of days and have had a headache for almost 24 hours now. I need to just do nothing for a little while.

I am still feeling bad for myself and about myself right now thanks to the guy. I dont know why I let him do this to me. He gets on these abusive kicks every now and then and I just sit back and take it. I have to STOP it and not allow him to take up room in my head. So hard.

I am not feeling like I am worth much right now. I feel like I deserve the abuse and the anger and the hatred. What have I ever done that is great? Nothing. I am nothing. No good. A loser. A big mistake. :::sigh:::

I did drag myself out the door this morning and through the chilly high winds for a five mile run. Running with a lot of wind is hard business! Then the wind was directly in front or to the side it felt like I was running in slow motion or in water even though my pace was pretty consistant. And when it was behind me it was kinda scary. It pushed me hard and I felt like I might fall. Dodging all of the tree limbs, leaves and acorns blowing around was tricky, too.

I am doing less and less dragging. I watched "The Biggest Loser: Where are they Now" special and that was plenty enough to scare me straight. The doctor on the show said that if you ever have any hope of keeping off the weight you have lost you have to plan on exercising 1-2hours a day every day for the rest of your life. I dont want to be fat ... so be it. I will obey. I lifted weights for 45 minutes and then walked a mile to cool down and called it good. Or at least good enough.

I had oatmeal for breakfast with banana, strawberries and brown sugar. After my workout I had a smoothie made with spinach, pumpkin, banana and yogurt. It was not one of my best ones but was full of greens and protein so I drank it anyway.

Lunch was kind of heavy. I dont know what the fuck I was thinking other than I was hungry. I had the last serving of Whole Foods Market rice and beans rolled up in my last tortilla with a little bit of shredded cheddar cheese; half a granny smith apple with a tsp of maple peanut butter; a few carrot sticks; and 5 Food Should Taste Good chips. I ate a scoop of pumpkin custard for dessert. Lunch with dessert was close to 600 calories. Putting me at about 1000 by lunchtime. ::::sigh:::: Fuck.

I want the 4-5 fucking pounds I put back on to come back OFF. NOW DAMN IT.

Dunno what I am going to do with the rest of the day. I have kicked around a few ideas - drive to Maine to see the house; work on Ebay (so not motivated for that), work on the doll house (but not feeling that either), go look around at Whole Foods Market and see if the Christmas candy is out (I want a candy cane - but do I really *need* it???) I could also get the spinach I need there and some Amazing Grass packets. I could go to Trader Joes and get a few things I have been wanting from there. I could decorate for Christmas. I could wrap Christmas presents. I could ride my bike (the sun is out).

I will most likely do none of the above and just sit here on my bed and sulk. I am really, really good at that.

Getting there...slowly...

I had a long day today. 10-7 shift at work with lots of traffic but no mayhem, and we were overstaffed. I left early. Around 6:30. Tonight I had a long text conversation with the guy during which he was very abusive. I dont know what to think. Sometimes I think he does love me the way he used to. And other times, I think he couldn't care less about me. That he is just using me. He succeeded in making me feel bad about myself tonight. Why do I let him do this to me? Why can't I just be done with him?

I got up early this morning and dragged my ass to the gym. Not early enough though because I only had 90 minutes to work out and could have used more. I consumed 1690 calories for the day. I had only eaten 1390 until about 8pm when I decided I was hungry. It felt like physical hunger but it could have been an emotional reaction to being called a slut several times by someone I love. It had been close to 4 hours since I last ate though, so I decided to honor it. I had planned an evening snack of pumpkin custard and REALLY wanted to have a HUGE bowl of it to help drown my sadness and fill my belly up. But I thought better of it and decided to get the most for my calories by eating an eggwhite omlet with spinach and a little bit of feta (less than 1/8 is all that was left); a slice of toast with pumpkin butter; and a 1/2 cup ramikin full of pumpkin custard and a little whipped cream. All of that for just under 300 calories. I am full now. While I was eating it though, my mind was racing and telling me I had to get more. That I couldnt stop eating. I had thoughts of eating the whole plate of pumpkin custard. Spoonful after spoonful. All of it. But I put my dishes in the sink and here I am.

I am really hating myself right now. Thanks, Mr. X, thanks a lot.

Thanksgiving ...

I am sitting here VERY VERY full from dinner. I swore I wouldnt let myself end up feeling like this, but alas, here I am.

I planned for this all week. I spent all day yesterday making the things I wanted to eat. I made butternut squash with cranberries; sweet potato casserole with brown sugar and pecans (this was VERY calorie dense), cranberry sauce with apples and walnuts, apple pie and pumpkin custard. And I purchased pumpkin soup and a cranberry pecan roll from Whole Foods.

Today it was going to be all about pumpkin. Sooo, for breakfast I had pumpkin oatmeal with maple and brown sugar. I went for a 5 mile run outside in the rain and then headed to the YMCA for two hours (it was REALLY busy there today!) to try and off set the damage I intended to cause ;)

When I got home, I was starving so I ate a leftover pumpkin pancake with a little maple syrup and whipped cream and a pumpkin smoothie made with Amazing Grass, pumpkin, yogurt, agave and half a banana. Delicious.

I made the cornucopia and chopped vegetables and fruit to pack in and around it. I served it with hummus, peanut butter and Annie's ranch; and some Kashi crackers. I ate a few carrot sticks, and some apple slices with peanut butter. That kinda filled me up and I didnt eat anything else until dinner. I still wasnt really hungry hungry by the time dinner rolled around.

For my Thanksgiving meal I prepared a HUGE bowl of pumpkin soup to which I added a scoop of plain Oikos, brown sugar, cinnamon and a few pumpkin seeds; a spinach salad with a fresh honey crisp apple, golden raisins, walnuts and a spoonful of almond butter; one cranberry pecan roll; 6 sweet potato Food Should Taste Good chips; and two bites of each cranberry sauce, butternut squash and sweet potato casserole. I didnt think it would end up being so much. Ugh, but it was. Especially now that I see it all written out. My god. But I didnt stop there. I had dessert. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Two bites each of pumpkin custard, apple pie, blueberry tart and pumpkin raisin nut bread.

And, I fucking ate it all. To the point of being physically uncomfortable. Yuck.

This was my first Thanksgiving as a vegetarian, and I think it went pretty OK. In hindsight I should have made the salad a lot smaller, only had half the soup, and only used HALF the apple. And I should have had either the chips OR the roll, not both. Everything was delicious. It should actually be made illegal to make that sweet potato casserole ... OMG... SOOOOO good but so many calories. I think that was my favorite.

The pumpkin custard is low fat and is good for you. It is Lyn's recipe from Escape from Obesity. I love it. I will be able to have some of that over the next few days. That and the butternut squash. But nothing else. Too calorie dense to have more than once a year ;)

I wish my tummy would stop hurting. Ugh. I have a chocolate turkey that I am planning to eat later. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know :D

Tomorrow I am scheduled to work 10-7. Not looking forward to it at all. Plan is to get up early and run and/or go to the Y. I need to get my shit together. For real. Not just talk about it. Do it. The time is now.

Night.