Today...

May 24, 2011

Ugh. It is a beautiful day outside today, but I feel gross. I am trying to make change...I even tried to run today. TRIED. I did a little over three miles, but only ran two of them. And I took walk breaks. For the first time. Ever. Pathetic.

I am just now starting to realize what I have done to myself. OMG. Look what I have done. I am up close to 20 pounds and I am sedentary and completely out of shape. I want to fix it...but i am so disheartened. I am (almost...ok...not really) back where I started. Mentally, anyway.

I am soft, and flabby where I used to be smooth and rock hard. I no longer have any definition in my arms, legs, or my belly. I hate the way I feel and I am down right pissed off that I let it get this far. What the fuck?

My laser like focus, my hypersensitivity....is aimed in a different direction all together. I want to get into medical school. That has become number one. My validation no longer comes from how long or how fast I can run...or from how much weight I can lift. Instead I look at my grades and how well I can debate foolishness with those who think they know it all.

I am tired and weak. I want the speed, strength, muscle, and endurance back. But I am somewhat at a loss as to how I am going to fit it in between school, work, volunteering and everything else it is I want/need to do.

It has to be a priority. Like it once was. I have got to relax and let go. Place a time limit. Make some rules. And carry on.

I cut out excess sugar and I am trying to cut down on caffeine. I dont have an excuse, really.

The plan is, right now, to eat real foods...vegetables, fruits, lots of water...and to get in at least an hour or activity a day...how ever I have to. Even if it means walking or running outside at midnight, or later. It also has to involve at least 3-4 days of strength/weight training.I liked the way my body looked bound in muscle. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Classes start a week from today....and I just realized, today, that this summer is going to SSSSUUUCCCKKKK. But maybe by the end of it - I will be back where I was.

Maybe I will even be better.



(ETA: Ummm...prob not ever better..since I doubt I will EVER have the tine or dedication to exercise that much again...)


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