I'm a Phoenix, Baby!

Visit me here...

2011-12-09T09:13:00.002-05:00

I started blogging again but wanted a "fresh" start...I just figured out I can't keep it clean ... so I opened this blog back up to for anyone who wants to read most of the original journey.

I am trying to lose the 15lbs I have regained over the course of a couple of years and learning a lot along the way.

Take a few minutes and stop by!

I'm a Phoenix, Baby! Rewind!

In the Woods

2011-05-29T11:07:00.001-04:00

May 29, 2011

I decided late in the afternoon yesterday to head for the woods in Southern Maine for the first camping trip of the season. We drove over three hours to a state park in the Lakes Region (where I used to live) and set up camp at 10pm. Thank the Universe for LL Bean tents that go up quickly, even in the dark.

Due to the spontaneous, unplanned nature of this trip (which, I guess, is how I tend to operate) I didnt check any of the equipment :) It was pretty much the way I left it after the last trip I took, last summer :) My mom did intervene and clean the long "toasting" forks when she saw what they looked like :) One of the propane tanks was empty, but so far that is the only malfunction we have had.

We put up one dome tent last night and finished setting up camp this morning. I forgot how hard the ground is, even when you have a sleeping pad. I am going to invest in a self-inflating Thermarest this season, I think.

My backpacking equipment has been unpacked and checked. It's ready to go...but I am not so sure I am (hence why we are base camping this weekend). I am so ridiculously out of shape it is shameful. I managed to run about 2.5 miles yesterday (it was humid) but I am barely pulling a 10 minute mile, and it HURTS.

I feel like such a fucking loser. A fraud. I can feel and see the extra weight. Damn it, 20 pounds is a lot on a little body. My arms jiggle, my belly sticks out, my legs have no shape. I feel gross. But I am at that point where I look at it, at myself, and feel hopeless and desperate. Asking myself, "What the fuck am I going to do?" I know what needs to be done. And I know how to do it. But...well...

Sometimes its not that easy.

I havent had any sugar garbage at Starbucks for over a week. No lattes in closer to two. In order to pacify myself, I decided Sundays would be my day to have a latte and a rice crispy bar if I wanted it. I did want the latte this morning, but I think I have found that I like Americano's better. I want to get an icecream cone from a local dairy in Maine today or tomorrow, so I am going to skip the rice crispy bar.

I have been eating much better, real, whole foods. But I am still taking in about 1700 calories a day. I just dont like to feel hungry. I get weird. I am going to need to work on that a bit. I need to get this extra weight off, and I cant do that eating 1700 calories every day.

Exercise is another thing that is just "hard" for me right now. I HATE it. Which isnt the way it was. I havent been to the gym in months. I have had to FORCE myself to run outside and as I mentioned above...it is slow and it HURTS. I am back in class full time starting Tuesday, and I am trying to figure out a plan that will incorporate some kind of exercise into my day. I have to. I cant keep this up. Its gross.

I am working with a couple of midwives and having a really good time. I am actually going to go for an apprenticeship this winter, which is not something I thought I originally wanted, but now feel very drawn towards.

My mom has a contractor working on an in home office space for me. I am going to open a practice, hopefully this fall. I am excited, but a little overwhelmed. Lots of exciting things will come from that, too, I am sure. This makes it even more important for me to get my shit together and be the product I preach.

Lots to do and lots of places to be. :) I am going to try hard to get out at least twice a month for a hiking/camping/adventure. I have a few in mind already :)

I miss that Cute Boy so much...and my heart aches for the Married Guy.

I am going to look through a book for a little while, grab lunch and then head back into the woods. We are right on the lake so will probably sit on the beach, make a fire, roast veggie dogs and marshmallows and relax tonight. We have fireworks :)

Later!

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Better....

2011-05-25T09:54:00.001-04:00

May 25, 2011

I ran 4.24 miles this morning - no walk breaks. I am not a pussy. I am not weak. I am slow, however - barely pulling a 10 minute mile. It hurt and I hated it until I was at about mile three...the pounding had numbed the pain by that point ....and then the high came.

I kissed the wind, fellated the sun, and made love to the road for a little over an hour. 4.24 miles run and a little over 2 miles walked to cool down for a total of almost 7 miles today. Not bad for a lazy, fat, chick. ;)

Down 4lbs in three days. Yes, I know it is just water...but I'll take it. Less to panic over.

I am icing to reduce the pain I might feel later on or tomorrow :) I still need to lift weights, but I am not sure if I will or not. Guess I like the flabby arm look @@

The weather is fantastically beautiful...I need to do something outside today.

I have some stuff planned for this evening...but other than that, the day is mine. I really want to go somewhere, but I am not too sure I will be able to make that happen this weekend. ::::sigh::::

Suppose I should move along.

Later.

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Today...

2011-05-24T19:17:00.001-04:00

May 24, 2011

Ugh. It is a beautiful day outside today, but I feel gross. I am trying to make change...I even tried to run today. TRIED. I did a little over three miles, but only ran two of them. And I took walk breaks. For the first time. Ever. Pathetic.

I am just now starting to realize what I have done to myself. OMG. Look what I have done. I am up close to 20 pounds and I am sedentary and completely out of shape. I want to fix it...but i am so disheartened. I am (almost...ok...not really) back where I started. Mentally, anyway.

I am soft, and flabby where I used to be smooth and rock hard. I no longer have any definition in my arms, legs, or my belly. I hate the way I feel and I am down right pissed off that I let it get this far. What the fuck?

My laser like focus, my hypersensitivity....is aimed in a different direction all together. I want to get into medical school. That has become number one. My validation no longer comes from how long or how fast I can run...or from how much weight I can lift. Instead I look at my grades and how well I can debate foolishness with those who think they know it all.

I am tired and weak. I want the speed, strength, muscle, and endurance back. But I am somewhat at a loss as to how I am going to fit it in between school, work, volunteering and everything else it is I want/need to do.

It has to be a priority. Like it once was. I have got to relax and let go. Place a time limit. Make some rules. And carry on.

I cut out excess sugar and I am trying to cut down on caffeine. I dont have an excuse, really.

The plan is, right now, to eat real foods...vegetables, fruits, lots of water...and to get in at least an hour or activity a day...how ever I have to. Even if it means walking or running outside at midnight, or later. It also has to involve at least 3-4 days of strength/weight training.I liked the way my body looked bound in muscle. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Classes start a week from today....and I just realized, today, that this summer is going to SSSSUUUCCCKKKK. But maybe by the end of it - I will be back where I was.

Maybe I will even be better.

(ETA: Ummm...prob not ever better..since I doubt I will EVER have the tine or dedication to exercise that much again...)

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I am a mess

2011-05-23T07:49:00.001-04:00

I am pretty close to mental hospital today...I have what I believe to be mumps...but the drs say that is impossible...my face is swollen to over twice what is normal and it is making me panic...not because I have some weird disease I could die from at any time...but because my face looks huge/fat. When I break down and have a panic attack because I think I am not Real...or that some how I have regained a hundred pounds - I would look in the mirror and confirm I looked the same. Now if I look in the mirror I have a panic attack and have to run for the scale - which I am carrying around with me. This confirms without a doubt - that I would rather DIE than be obese again.

Sent from my iPhone

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The Last Week

2011-05-20T15:04:00.001-04:00

May 20, 2010

I have a headache. My little "vacation" got sidetracked. I'm still here. Doing....work. :::sigh:::: Well, ok...its not REALLY "work" but maybe sorta. I have been spending time with a midwife. She is a published author and I have idolized her for years. So, this has been a great experience for me. I will see her again next week. This is an opportunity that just cannot be turned down. :)

I was so tired last night, that when a hot, 24yr old military guy (one of my favorites, actually) and his friend asked me to come over....I turned him down. Ugh. Last night would have been HOT...His friend is being deployed today. I am kicking myself for not just sucking it up and going anyway. But whatever.

I did spend Wednesday night with a big dick in celebration of the END of the semester :) He lasted a LONG time...and I am still sore :)

I know three of my final grades...I am OK with them. I got an A in Abnormal Psychology...with a final average of 96.5. But, I only got an 86 on the final.That is the lowest grade I got all semester...and I am really upset. I thought I did REALLY well on the final. I thought it was easy. I am horribly upset. I feel like I FAILED.

I spent the most time preparing for the Biology exam, because that is the one I feared the most. I got a 91 on that 12 page, cumulative final...and finished that class with a final grade of A-. I feel very proud of that. The instructor was HARD and I even thought about dropping it early on because I never thought I would make it with that professor. Figured I would try again with another professor. So I am proud of that one. Still waiting for my math grade...but expecting an A.

I havent exercised. I did attempt to cut sugar and caffeine, but that only lasted two days...mostly because there are withdrawal symptoms and it is hard to work and be effective when you feel like total shit. I might try again....on MONDAY. Yeah...I know. I suck. (and the boys tell me I do it well, too :)

I have to get a grip. Really. I do. And I will. Clothes still fit, but the number on the scale is completely unacceptable.

I have a few things to go over and then I am meeting a Cute Boy from one of my classes to work on some school stuff. Yeah. Thats gonna be my Friday night...B O R I N G. At least he is fun to look at.

I swear I am going to try and get better about updating. I am going to try and post the story from Wed on P2 if anyone is interested in reading some smut.

Talk soon :)

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I am alive...barely :)

2011-05-13T16:58:00.001-04:00

May 12, 2011

I had my last day of classes today.

I am attending a midwifery pre-natal visit tomorrow morning, and then trying to take the rest of the day off.

Saturday I will be with midwives in Amherst. Sunday and Monday I will prepare for my finals. Tuesday I will take the last three finals and go to an EMT practice. Wednesday I am meeting a hot little rap star from Los Angeles for some fun. Thursday I AM OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!

I dont know where the hell I am going or what I am going to do, but damn it, I need to get the fuck away for a little while.

I am so tired. So, so, tired. And I just dont give a fuck about math equations or science garbage. I have HAD IT. I do still kinda care about psychological theories, though :) Maybe because I love that prof.

I have a lot of things going on...most of them are positive, some arent.

I am not exercising and eating a lot of sugar. I have put on 10lbs this month. I am NOT proud of that and I know I need to make change or start digging my own grave. Everything is a choice...and priorities are important.

I am not dealing well with the stress. At least not at this very moment.

I have let a lot of things go that were important to me, including this blog, keeping a detailed journal, exercise, and proper nutrition.

I need to decompress and really spend some time thinking about all of this.

My summer classes start in two weeks.

See ya.

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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hey hey!!

2011-04-21T08:07:00.001-04:00

April 21, 2011

Ugh. I promised (myself) that I was going to start updating at least once a day again, and, well, I didn’t. :::sigh:::

I am really busy. Busier than I think I have ever been in my life, and that includes the years filled with multiple babies and toddlers, and cloth diapers, and homeschooling, and dance, and 4H, and girl scouts.

But it really is all about priorities. And what I am obsessed with at the time I guess. Right now, all I can think about is getting myself into medical school. Why? I’m not quite sure exactly why.

OK. I guess I pretty much do know and it encompasses several reasons. The first one – honestly is because I want to know the ways of the mind. Huh? You say…Why not just study psychology or social work or something like that – why bother with medicine? Well…I’ve got that covered somewhat…I am a psychology major. But I have to believe that there are biological considerations, too. I need to know. I need to find certain things…and I need to use every single avenue I can to get to it. Medicine is simply one of them.

When I say the workings of the mind, I mean in relation to addiction, behavior, and habits – most specifically related to weight loss and depression; hopelessness and helplessness. And as you know, I have a strong interest in women’s health and birth. I, honestly, with everything I’ve got, want to make a difference. If I can take just one person and bring them back from where I was – to the Other Side – this entire journey will not have been taken in vain. And I mean that. Because this is a shit-pile of work. More than I ever expected.

The second reason is because I consider MD to be the highest level “piece of paper” one can academically acquire. This is my personal opinion. I want it.

And the third…I have been told by too many people that I won’t make it. Well, thanks for that…because you have just guaranteed I will succeed. Don’t tell me what I can’t do. SUCK IT.

I had a rough couple of weeks – I was really down on myself and tired of the incessant reading and writing and I just wanted to jump off of a bridge or lay down in traffic. It was a couple of 20something students that pulled me back out of the mud…for them, I am thankful. When I look back on it NOW I can kinda see a hormonal pattern that was likely responsible.

After my last post, I did end up going for a run. The first one in MONTHS and that was it – the only one. It hurt. It was hard. I am lazy. And that sucks.

Other than my school work, I have let things go – primarily diet and exercise. OK, not diet so much – aside from I am not really counting and eating sugar and drinking coffee. I have recently found a few articles that talk about sugar and decreasing cognition – soooooo …. Maybe that is a good enough reason for me to stop it J Or not. I tried to find a link between cognition and caffeine but all I could come up with was that it was HELPFUL to consume it before and exam…that scores could be raised. OK…I was going to give it up…but right before a major exam I downed a HUGE latte. I haven’t seen the score yet…so we’ll see.

Exercise in non-existant. I have simply just gotten out of the habit. Ugh. I like to use the excuse I have NO TIME – but if I made it a PRIORITY there would be PLENTY of time. See how that works?

I don’t REALLY have time to take an entire Wednesday and drive out of my way to attend a Positive Psychology class for hours that I have ALREADY taken and gotten an A in. But it is a PRIORITY to me and I ENJOY it. I look forward to Wednesday ALL week and it is truly my favorite day of the week. Unfortunately, there are only 4 classes left in the semester. Ugh.

I also DO NOT have time to be adding a thousand or more pages to my reading schedule, writing papers, working on definitions, doing artwork and taking an ENTIRE Saturday once a month (sometimes more) for a program in midwifery. But I have made it a PRIORITY – and I enjoy it …so there is time.

See how that works???

I just have to get my shit together and decide what is important. Sure…my 3.8-4.0 GPA still HAS to be #1 if I am going to have a chance at getting into medical school. But I am going to lose the desire to live if I gain anymore weight. I am still at the weight I have been for a couple of years – but it is not my lowest, I do not feel my best, and I have weight to lose. :::sigh:::

I also FEEL better when I exercise and eat well. And that is important.

And so it goes…

In other news, that Cute Boy I like is having a great time teasing the hell out of me and messing with my head. Ugh. I miss him so much. I want to see him SO bad. But…well…

That’s the other thing…I have been out like three times since this semester started. I suck…and not dick either…ugh. B OR I N G. That needs to become a priority again too.

Alright…I have “wasted” enough time. J I have books that need reading….and it is time to head to campus. Long day today…

See ya.

Happy Saturday!

2011-04-09T20:20:00.001-04:00

April 9, 2011

I am tired. REALLY tired. I am leaving Amherst shortly after a very full day of midwifery. I must say...it will NEVER cease to amaze me how ignorant women are about their bodies. And that is all I am going to say about today.

I love the course and the work. I am constantly amazed at how much I remember. I have ready many of these text books from cover to cover more than once...but it was long ago. It's all still in there though. I am beginning to to think I am really not "normal."

We share a pot-luck vegetarian lunch. There are so many good things to eat and I just want to try it all. So...you can see where this is going...I overeat. And I put away a lot of sugar (chocolate and three small oatmeal cookies - eaten throughout the day, but still). I had bread, (actually like 4 small pieces...sprouted grain cinnamon raisin), some yummy cheese, soup, salad, crackers....ugh...oh...and I had a latte and rice crispy bar at Starbucks earlier in the morning and I currently have a latte and cookie. :::sigh:::

Yes...I feel like shit. I never, ever, ever learn. It is like with The Married Guy and The Cute Boy....I just cant help my damn self...and then I pay for it. I think I need to try to psychoanalyze myself and then treat my issues with cognitive therapy and habit training...ugh...I wish it was that easy.

Tomorrow is a new day.

So happy to have this opportunity. So happy to be here. So happy to have the hippy, crunchy books sitting next to me. And so thankful for the "sisterhood." I am where I need to be. Mostly.

I brought a birth video with me to show the class. It is an old VHS that belonged to the BagLady. I dont know why I still had it. It is a beautiful video that was put together by a group of doulas and was given to me in trade for some graphic design and web design I did for them (yeah....I can do that, too...dont ask). I found it when I went rifling through my music cabinet (where I keep baby books and some of The BagLady's other things) looking for whatever might be left of my midwifery/birth stuff and I found the video and a small fetal model. I felt really weird after I found it and I really thought I would "lose it" if/when I watched it. But here's the thing...I didnt get weird. And I am totally OK :D I am surprised. Honestly. :)

Same with some of the shit that happened over the last week. Shook me a little bit...but within an hour I was totally over it. Maybe...just maybe...I am completely "over it."

I am getting too fat. Not exercising and eating like shit is going to kill me.

Tomorrow *is* a new day :)

And I'll be fine.

Aside from being tired and in a sugar coma (ugh...does it feel shitty) I am happy and content. Not sure how I am going to pull off everything I think I am going to pull off...everything that I want to pull off...just taking it one step at a time... :)

I have a two hour ride home...

Later :)

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Location:Hadley, MA

Meeting Jillian...My trip to NYC

2011-04-08T20:28:00.001-04:00

Left Monday, walked around the city a little bit and then headed over to the site where Martin Seligman was speaking. He just released a new book called "Flourish" and he was doing a talk along with a Q&A and then signing the books. I had one signed for me and one for my professor as a gift :)

Next day wasnt as good because I was tired and hyperfocused on meeting Jillian Michaels. Meeting her was a big deal to me because I considered her an integral player in my journey. It was her books as well as Biggest Loser books that I carried around in the beginning. Season 5 was "my" season and I kept pace with that season's winner - Ali Vincent. It was important to me to meet Ali, too, which I did last year at the Boston Marathon running expo.

The day was long, with a lot of waiting around because I refused to leave the site even though I had a wrist band that guaranteed me a place at the front of the line. A couple of times I was so sick of sitting around and being tired I just wanted to leave and go home. But my kid kept saying, no youll regret it.

When I got in line to wait for her - it was immediately worth it. Standing there with all of the people on their own journeys - somewhere along their own paths. Some desperate, some lost, some already there...I knew I was right where I needed to be and that the work I do and will do is the most important work.

When she walked in I fell apart. I was back in the basement in the little house in Maine, with her books at my feet while I chalked her circuit training plan on the walls. I had one of the "Am I Real" moments that I havent had in a long time...and I sobbed for a good 20 minutes.

Jillian took her time with everyone. She didnt just rush them through - she TALKED to them, she hugged them, and she put a personal message in everyone's book. I got my turn and I told her that she had made a difference in my life...and she hugged me and talked to me for a little bit. I told her I was studying psychology and planning to go to med school and she asked me what I was specializing in (OBGYN/Women's Health/preventative medicine).

My ultimate goal is to bring people back from where I was. To take someone who is physically, psychologically and emotionally "dead" and bring them to the other side. I know the "secret" and I am going to use it to change the world.

I cried off an on for the rest of the night. My kid understood. :)

So, so happy I went.

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Hey, hey...

2011-04-08T20:17:00.001-04:00

April 8, 2011

I am, once again, tired :) I feel like I shouldnt be, since it doesnt seem like I did much today. To re-cap, I basically spent all day working on my own research and "business." Writing, organizing, making phone calls, doing a little research...really nothing heavy, and it was interesting and exciting. But I dont feel like it should have tired me out. :::sigh::: My mom said I am tired because of the whirlwind trip to NYC. Maybe, but I dont think so. I was tired there, too.

I think it is the direct result of my diet and lack of exercise. I need to fix that...I say that all the time, but fail to follow through. :::sigh::: I'll get there :) I will.

I talked to that Cute Boy I like (accidentally fell in love with) this morning for a little while. He made me smile. Sure do wish I was 20something. And I am, once again, having issues with the Married Guy. It doesnt get to me as much as it used to, but it is still taking up space in my head.

A lot of shit went down last week. It shook me a little bit, but I got over it quickly.

I have a lovely, wonderful, awesome brand new EMT partner and the nights are flying by :) I will miss the class when it ends.

I am worried about my Psych Prof...I am hoping for the very best for him and his family right now.

I have not been writing regularly and I think it is part of the reason I am more stressed and uptight than usual (although it could also be directly related to lack of sex, since I seriously have no time to whore around. :) After spending hours today talking to clients about the benefits of journaling, I have decided that I will make sure to post one entry per day on the blog as well as journaling in a notebook at night.

In case I haven't shared...I am an incessant note taker and I have an "thing" for Moleskine notebooks :) I am going to start keeping a written journal in the Special Edition Snoopy Moleskine that I found in Boston last week and I am hoping to find a folio sized hard cover Moleskine tomorrow when I am in Hadley, MA. I hope to use the larger, more professional one to record my journey to med school in.

Come to think of it I have the wellness journal around here somewhere...I need to dig it out...and get my shit together :)

My weight is relatively stable. I stay between 135-145 effortlessly. That really is too fat for me though.

Getting ready to register for fall classes and summer is already in place. I dont think I am going to have time to breathe until spring. Thats OK though...I am having fun. I feel so happy and blessed to be able to do this. I think I am going to go buy my mom some flowers :) My mom washes and folds my clothes and when I get up late in the morning she has my oats cooking and my coffee in the press. She goes grocery shopping for me and she takes care of the kids. Yes, I am blessed.

Time to study embryology...I am with the midwives all day tomorrow. :)

G'night.

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What I am up to...

2011-04-05T17:20:00.001-04:00

April 5, 2011

I am tired. It is just before 5:00pm and I am sitting in a Starbucks near Columbus Circle in Manhattan. I have been in Columbus Circle since 11:00am - mostly just sitting - and it stopped being fun hours ago. I am waiting to see Jillian Michaels who will be signing books at the Borders Bookstore at 7:00pm. I am sick of being here and I really just want to bail...but I know better.

***

Sometime on Saturday my copy of "Flourish," by Martin Seligman was delivered. I found it when I got home that evening. I was tired but decided to start reading it anyway. It was scheduled for release today, April 5. Martin Seligman is the "father" of positive psychology and the psychologist most well known for his theory of learned helplessness. He is also the one that said, "If we cam learn to be helpless, we can also learn to be optimistic."

My daughter and I had spent the day in Boston and were recalling some of the different book signings that we had attended the previous year. As I was reading Flourish I thought, wow, I would love to have this book signed...I wonder if he is doing a tour...and I looked. Monday he was in New York, but that was it. I wanted to go. Could I make it happen? I spent all day Sunday trying to figure out the logistics and ultimately decided I couldnt do it. And then...I noticed Jillian Michaels was going to be in the city a day later. I figured it out and in the last possible seconds, I left for NYC.

***

We ventured into Grand Central Station about 3pm and enjoyed seeing all of the new sights. We walked to the Hard Rock Cafe and split a veggie burger plate. We then hit up Starbucks for tall coffees and split a rice crispy bar. We walked around and took a few pics before we decided to head over to the sight where the psychologist was speaking. We had to wait a while there. But it was worth it when we got to sit front and center for the event. I enjoyed the talk, but really, already knew about everything he presented. My psych prof has taught me well :)

I bought 2 more copies of Flourish and had one signed to keep and one signed for my professor. It was after 1 am when we finally made it back to our hotel, dead tired and starving. There was nothing "acceptable" open and nothing in the vending machines that I would eat. So, I went to bed hungry.

This morning I was reduced to eating breakfast in the hotel lobby - but the only thing I would do was a single slice of wheat toast with some peanut butter and an apple. Scared we were going to end up screwed like last night, my daughter and I made 2 PBJ sandwiches with the breakfast stuff and grabbed a couple of extra apples to store in the hotel room.

As soon as Whole Foods opened, we headed over. I am pretty certain we overbought, again, thinking we would end up stuck, and we stocked the fridge in our room with cold waters, salad,fruit, yogurt and instant oatmeal.

***

We headed straight for Borders so I could buy Unlimited (my preordered copy was delivered today, too - ugh) and get a wrist band for the line tonight. We were so tired though that all we wanted to do was sit down. We got a spot in the Borders cafe and sat there for a few hours while I read Unlimited. I am not impressed. I think Jillian Michaels just rewrote The Secret and added a little Napoleon Hill. I also dislike her writing style. But whatever.

I am so ready to get OUT of the city. Sooooooo ready. I cant wait to meet Jillian, get my book signed and get on the damn train. I am clearly NOT a city girl. Nope. I can handle a day, maybe two...but this is just too much city for me. I also had to miss all of my classes today so I could be here...and ummm...I HATE that...I am going to worry and worry and worry about getting caught back up!

Tomorrow the plan is to head out mid morning and maybe stop in Connecticut for lunch. I might even do some of my homework there...or maybe I will just go HOME and work from a more familiar place....still undecided.

I am rambling at this point..,so tired...back with something more coherent a little later on...

See ya.

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Location:Columbus Circle, Manhattan, New York

New York City

2011-04-04T19:23:00.001-04:00

Whirlwind trip...stay tuned!

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Location:E 92nd St,New York,United States

Hey...

2011-04-04T19:22:00.001-04:00

In NYC chasing after a couple of heros...more to come!

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Location:E 92nd St,New York,United States

Non-Productive Day?

2011-03-30T22:02:00.001-04:00

March 30

I am tired.

I havent exercised at all in weeks. I dont think I could even run a mile anymore. Lack of exercise shows in how I feel and in how I look.

I have not been paying attention to what I am eating. I dont eat crap...ok...well, maybe once a day at Starbucks...and I have graduated back up to Venti drinks...ugh...but I havent been counting or paying much attention to how much or what I am really eating. I eat steel cut oats with Barney Butter, fruit spread and peanuts every morning. I eat a an almond butter and fruit spread sandwich almost every day...and for sure everyday that I am in class...because its fast and easy. I eat an apple and a banana every day. And usually some pretzels or something like that. Then I either have a salad or half of a tofu and veggie burrito. At the end of a long day I typically want a snack, too....so I am eating later than normal. I would guess I am averaging 1700-2000 calories a day. I have to reel it in...because my weight is subtly going up.

I know I need to pay better attention and try harder to get a better variety of foods. I actually got mildly sick with a cold for a day or two. Nothing big, lime I never had to stay in bed or modify my actives at all...I just felt a little crappy. But I think I could have fought it off even better or avoided it all together if I was exercising and eating better.

I have been sitting in bed reading since 7pm.

I started home about 6pm thinking I must be a wuss because I didnt get much done today....and then I thought about it...this was my day....

I headed to campus early, parked and walked a mile to the city building where I visited the advising office to check on my GPA and ask some questions about a summer course. I emailed all of my summer professors - requested meetings, syllubus' (syllubi?), and the titles of the required texts, so I can get a head start. I attended a scheduled meeting with an activities advisor regarding my positive psychology club. This meeting was fun and productive. I sat in the very nicest library I have ever been in and studied biology for two hours by coloring and labeling cell diagrams, drawing a diagram, and making flash cards. I went to my Positive Psychology class, participated in the lecture and took notes. I chatted with the Prof after class and then left campus for the 1 mile walk back to the garage. I went to Whole Food Market and grabbed a salad, a greek yogurt, and water, and walked to Starbucks and added a Venti Iced Cappuccino and a rice crispy bar to my lunch. This was too much sugar and I crashed. I finished some more diagrams and flash cards for biology and then reviewed the material in a Schaums outline book and an MCAT guide.

I read a couple of blogs. Consulted a few online forums related to my fields of study and took some notes. I summarized my morning meeting and sent it to my psych prof (he is my academic advisor for the Pos Psych club).

I was so tired, I decide to just go home instead of going back over to the library.

I drove home, opened three more boxes of text books. Looked over them all. Got pissed because the one that fits in my pocket doesnt look like it should have cost me $60. I changed my sheets, put away my books and sat down with my son to review cell structure (he's doing it too in 7th grade). I received my Biology Coloring book in the shipment from today so I looked at it and colored the animal cell with my son. It really helped me to understand the concepts better when i reviewed them with him. I helped my 9yr old with her math homework.

I got a snack-egg and cheese sandwich with some black berries.

I finally surrendered and got in bed with Med School Confidential, which I read cover to cover while my oldest brought me a cup of decaf and repeatedly asked me if her dog was going to die because she let the 15pound mini-mutt, eat an entire, frosted, mini bunt cake and a bowl if icecream - because today was the dog's birthday. Ugh. Ugh. The dog seems fine to me but I never would have let her eat that. I answered a few emails and set up an early morning meeting for tomorrow.

It is now 10pm and I am listening to piano solos on Pandora and pulling out my largest midwifery book to look at for an hour before bed.

So, I didnt get much done today....

Night.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Goodnight Moon!

2011-03-23T20:01:00.002-04:00

March 23, 2011

I received the first three shipments of text and reference books and another two today. Last night it felt like Christmas. Today it just feels like work. I am T I R E D. I had a meeting with a new transfer counselor today, who I liked very much. She was extremely helpful and showed me how to access some of the material myself online. I am planning out the fall semester and getting a little anxious. I am getting weird and obsessive that I am not going to be able to get the last couple of classes I need and/or that the schedule will not go my way. I am going to spend some time tomorrow running around campus and asking questions that will hopefully yield answers that are favorable so my ulcer will LEAVE ME ALONE. Ugh.

I will be going at double speed until the first week of August. I get a break and then fall will be hard, but hopefully not AS hard as this semester and summer. I am half way through this semester now and I have kind of settled into a groove. It doesn’t seem as hard as it did at first. I have kind of a study schedule set up and it is working for me. Exercise and structured eating, not so much.

I haven’t gained anything in months (other that up and down a few pounds here and there) but I am definitely not losing. I am able to maintain 135-145 EFFORTLESSLY. Eating pretty much whenever and whatever I want (within my “rules”) and not exercising hardly at all. But I really don’t feel my best. I feel HUGE and WEAK. I have to work on that.

I haven’t been going out. I haven’t been doing anything, actually, aside from reading and studying. That is kind of sad I guess. I wear mostly jeans and t-shirts and almost no makeup. What’s the point, really, I am going to have my head stuck in a book all day.

I am relatively content and happy. Thinking about getting a pet (maybe a kitten). I want my dog to come back really badly, but realistically, I don’t have time for him right now. And I guess he knows that because I haven’t seen him J A kitten would be very low maintenance. My mom is saying no but I think she really wouldn’t care.

We are going to hire a contractor and finish a room for me to set up an office. I am literally being run out of my bedroom by books and I still have thousands in the attic and it would be nice to be able to have access to them. I am excited about that. Shooting for completion in the fall.

My oldest daughter and I are planning a series of super, terrific, amazing adventures and we are getting REALLY excited. We are both working on learning Spanish (I was once fluent after 4yrs of high school Spanish, two years of college Spanish and many, many summers and evenings spent in enrichment programs. But I don’t know how much I remember) Because we are going to visit some high volume birth centers to deliver babies and get clinical and volunteer experience. We are going other cool places, too…some for enrichment, some for fun :)

Oh, and we're going hiking! :D Soon as the snow and ice are all gone from the trail. We actually looked last weekend to see if we could go, but the forums said there was still ice and snow all over New England.

I am still missing that Cute Boy. I am tired and have some reading to do. I will be back soon :)

Goodnight Moon!

Speed of Light

2011-03-19T18:45:00.001-04:00

March 19, 2011

I feel like crap this afternoon. Why, you ask? Well, I got a little obsessive about having a sundae. And I dragged my daughter to Ben and Jerrys and we each got a Brownie Sundae. I ate the whole fucking thing. Ugh. After I was about six bites into it I knew that it wasnt a good idea. I started to feel sick. But I finished it anyway. Gag. And now I am paying for it with horrible fatigue, a racing heart, and an overall shitty feeling. I.will.never.learn. Period.

I dont do the ice cream thing often, at least not like this. Shit. Gelato or frozen yogurt in responsible portions, occasionally. Something like this happens about once a year. So I can let it ride.

I am seriously getting boring. I havent been out with a man in quite a while. I have had a quickie here or there, but nothing substantial. :::sigh::: I really miss that Cute Boy I like (fell in love with by accident). That hurts way more than I expected it to. He is really the only one I want and that is a problem.

On the more exciting, go, go, go, side - I am moving at the speed of light, or at least that is how it feels. I have learned so much over the last few days about the medical school application process and have been told that even with a 4.0, great MCAT scores, and a lot of public service and certifications - my age is going to be a huge handicap. I do have a plan B, though...actually several plan Bs :)

I plan to become a Certified Professional Midwife (here we go AGAIN) within the next couple of years and I hope to serve in underprivileged areas/countries for a little while. That really lights my fire...and I thought that calling had stopped burning a long, long time ago :)

I am busy putting together wellness outlines for a couple of community action programs and I am working on my book. Oh, yeah, and I am still going to school 20 credit hours, working on establishing a Positive Psychology Club there :D, and have signed up for 16 credit hours over the summer (dont ask, it is more intense than the schedule I am keeping right now). I am still not exercising, but I think I am going to take Peter's advice and train for a half marathon. I am horribly unconditioned right now so I am using Hal Hidgons NOVICE program :).

I will likely have the month of August off and I am thinking about hiking the Vermont Long Trail with my daughter. Gotta have those "ECs" for the med school ap. I am giving myself 3-5 years to become more than great :) I have so many amazing things planned over the next couple of years that I can hardly contain myself thinking about all of them! I am going to a Positive Psychology conference in July. I am going to the Movers And Shakers conference in September. I am enrolled full time in a midwifery program. I plan to continue on for a second year as well. I am going to make trips to a number of different midwifery schools in the US for specialized classes and workshops and to network. And then beginning soon, I am going to start traveling to different sites to practice clinically.

I am also developing womens health (childbirth education, breastfeeding, etc) and wellness (healthy habits, nutrition, fitness, weightloss) for local community action programs, schools, etc. I am busy. If I dont focus, I get overwhelmed.

I am happy for the most part though :) Albeit a little one edge. I cannot stand my EMT partner - and Thursday was the last fucking straw. She made a comment and I called her a bitch and a cunt and asked for a new partner. :::sigh::: Hopefully Tuesday will be better :)

I learned about Diamond Self last week. I think I was my Diamond Self sometime in early 2010 but I am definitely not right now. I am not dressing nice, my hair is a mess, no makeup...ugh...and I dont feel my best either. I need to rectify that but its hard when all I am doing is studying and working. Priorities, priorities...

I am rambling now...hope you all dont mind...

Back to work... :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY HIGH!

2011-03-15T13:55:00.001-04:00

I AM FUCKING PERFECT!

March 15, 2011

So...yeah...FUCK YEAH...It's been three years! And today I feel magnificently invincible. I didn't go the Y this morning. I told my mom that it just felt "wrong" not to go...but I had a million and one excuses as to why I just didnt want to go. I will spare you the list but will say most of them were related to academics. I ran four beautiful, majestic miles, outside in the fresh air and sunshine instead. I barely broke a 10 minute mile because I have been kinda lazy and not as well conditioned because of it ... But damn....the benefits and effects of running are AMAZING. How come I keep forgetting about this? Huh? Because this is something that should be done EVERY DAY. It is life changing. Run, people, run for your lives... It truly is the one tonic that cures ALL.

I thought about a lot of stuff while out there. Listened to some favorite music. It hurt. My cardiovascular system screamed in protest the whole time and I am sure I coughed up most of the organs all along Summer Street :) Pharynx, epiglottis, trachea, bronchi, lungs...blah blah blah...a nice little anatomy review :)

So, three years. I am a little bit disheartened that I am heavier this year than I have been the two previous years before. I am about 10 pounds heavier than last year. I blame the Starbucks habit for that. My weight is happy at about 140lbs give or take. I can maintain it effortlessly. It was my original goal weight. But, it really is not small enough. I have a horrible "muffin top" at this weight and I feel fat. So, again, it all comes down to choices. If I want change I have to consciously make a decision to make change. I am not there right now. I am in the "contemplative" stage I guess :) I am comfortable where I am. And I, um, REALLY like Starbucks :)

I have been very busy - mostly with school. Over the weekend I attended a midwifery workshop after meeting a sister midwife in Starbucks (of course it was Starbucks, right?). The passion is still there...even after not giving it a single thought for almost ten years. I sent an email to the senior midwife and she invited me to the class. I contemplated for a while and then decided...what the hell.

I had a beautiful time. And I decided that I want to go back. I am amazed at how much I know and how when called the information comes. I still have intentions of going to medical school....but med school applications need to stand out. And this type of study certainly WILL stand out. The learning and information I take away from it will help me practice in a more holistic way and will hopefully help to make change in the field of women's health. So, here's to the woman to woman model of care. Here's to being the change you wish to see in the world. Here's to another adventure. Here's to changing the world. :)

After all, whats another 8-10 hours of reading a week :D

I've got this.

Later.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Rest in Pieces (Encore)

2011-03-14T20:45:00.003-04:00

“The BagLady,”36, of Standish, Maine faded away quietly March 15, 2008 at her residence on Easy Street.

She was born in Concord, Massachusetts in January to Tom and Louise Cook. And had one brother, Edward Cook.

She married an asshole at the age of 24 and had six children. She lived in agony enduring physical and emotional abuse for thirteen years. She was beaten, raped, drugged and tortured. She had everything that was right or good, destroyed or taken away.

She loved her dog, Yellow, who passed in October 2008 at the age of thirteen years. He provided her only known source of unconditional love. He was there for her always. She will be interred with his ashes.

She is survived by her parents, brother and children Arlena (10), Greyson (9), Georgia (8), Rhiannon (7), Mercy (6) and Layla (4).

A private service will be held today in remembrance.

“She talks to angels,

She says they call her out by her name…”

HAPPY FUCKING 3 YEAR FATTIVERSARY!

LET'S ROCK!

Twister - March 15, 2010

My Fattiversary - March 15, 2010

Happy Fattiversary to me! - March 15, 2009

One Year Later - March 15, 2009

The Not So Great American Love Story (EDIT)

2011-03-14T20:14:00.004-04:00

Weighing in at close to 300 pounds, with insulin dependent, type 2 diabetes, severe asthma and involved in a very abusive relationship, I literally lay dying in a tiny cape house that sat high on a hill in Sebago, Maine. I had lost any will to live.

Days were spent locked in an upstairs bedroom, lying on a mattress that faced a picture window overlooking the wooded green area that surrounded the house. When I wasn’t asleep, which was most of the time as a result of the drugs that my abuser added to my food, I would look out over the trees, listening to the woodpecker and the whippoorwills and beg any powers that be to take me. To let me go to sleep and never wake up. But day after day, I woke up.

“Youre not going, ” he was pissed and he was getting too close.

“I am going. I cant stay here. I need a break.” I was weak and couldn’t stand the thought of facing an entire week alone with all six children on vacation.

“Forget it. Youre not leaving.” He was yelling now.

He dialed the phone. “Louise, she isn’t coming. No. No, they are going to stay here. Don’t worry about it.” He was talking to my mother who was getting ready to make the three hour drive to bring us back to her house. I no longer had a vehicle that operated.

“I have to go. I cant stay here for a week by myself. No car. Nothing. I cant do it.” I pleaded.

“Fuck you. You’re not going.” He picked up my bag.

I didn’t pack much, mostly because I didn’t have much to pack. I never packed anything for the kids. Because everything they needed was already there. He started pawing through the bag. He pulled out things at random and was saying I didn’t need to take this or that. I don’t argue. I just let him. Three hours later there was a bruise on my cheek but I was in the car headed for Massachusetts.

The first week was pretty standard. The kids enjoyed a change of scenery and the feeling of being safe. Me, I mostly slept. I was coming out of a drug induced coma I had no knowledge of being put into.

“Guess what I just heard! Extreme Makeover Home Edition is coming to Maynard! Next week!” My two oldest children were out of breath trying to find me.

I made the decision pretty quick to hang around. I called the kids’ school back in Maine and told them they wouldn’t be back for an extra week. I told the principal that this would be a learning experience and I promised a special report.

I took the two oldest kids and walked what seemed like a really long way to the site where the house was going to be built. Around the corner all of heavy equipment was waiting. There were trailers being set up. Storage pods everywhere. This was exciting. A little ways up the road we saw the bus disappearing around a corner.

“Demo is today! Demo is today!” My only son had been waiting for this. I grabbed him and my oldest daughter and we, once again, walked for what seemed like forever to the site. This time the roads had been blocked off. So we stood at the end of the street where the house was and just watched. Two big trucks stopped, both were pulling horse trailers. These were the horses Ty Pennington would ride in the beginning of this episode. The kids petted the horses and talked to their trainers.

They stood there all day. But we were never able to see the demolition up close. We took lots of pictures. We were finally allowed to walk down to the site where the house had already been leveled.

Later that afternoon I took the kids to the empty office park where they were taking volunteer applications and accepting donations. We left a twelve pack of Pepsi in the pile and got in line.

It seemed like it would take forever, but it moved quickly. There was a large packet of papers to be filled out, and many, many releases to sign. Volunteers had to be over the age of eighteen. The kids decided to bake brownies for the crew as their donation of time. But I filled out all of the paperwork and accepted the size 2X blue t-shirt. I was to be there later that night, late, to work in the food tent.

I took the oldest, Arlena, to Kmart. I might be on TV. Even if I wasn’t, though, I had to have something else to wear; at least enough to look presentable. I rifled through the clearance racks. Pulling out a pair of size 24 jeans. I didn’t even have to try them on. I knew they would fit. I needed more than that, though. So, I grabbed a pair of sweatpants in size 2X and a matching sweatshirt in size 3X. I got Arlena a set, too, in the same color, mint green, but one size smaller. I made her promise not to wear them on the same day.

It was cold and wet and everything was muddy. I had to take a shuttle to the site. That was the only way they were letting people in. I was on the bus for workers, and we were all wearing our blue shirts. Mine was tight, stretched on over my sweatshirt. The pants were too long.

I got off the bus and followed the pathway to the tent, dodging the puddles. My job was to serve food to the workers who came in shifts. They were all wet and cold. Most of them just wanted something warm to drink. Many of them asked for soup. I filled their bowls.

At the end of my shift I was asked to start packaging the food up. They were giving the extra away. I took home a gallon sized bag of homemade mac and cheese and some cornbread.

I cleaned tables, refilled pain reliever dispensers, made coffee and emptied trash. I had a purpose, something to do for the first time in years. This felt good.

The next day I took my son to the shuttle and we headed to the building site. There were so many people there that I recognized. I went to school with many of them. Buried beneath several layers of fat, my hair was wild, and my clothes a ragged mess. I only had one pair of shoes, a worn pair of Birkenstock clogs, and my winter coat was more than 10 years old. It was torn and stained. The zipper had broken years ago and most of the snaps didn’t work anymore. It was like looking at them through a mask. I was sure they didn’t know who I was. I thought about The Married Guy.

I took the shuttle home and logged into Classmates.com. I created a profile and started looking around. Who was there from my class? I found several and sent notes out to each. My heart started racing and then skipped several beats when I found The Married Guy’s profile. I hesitated a moment before sending a quick note out to him, too. I took the shuttle back to the site that night for my shift.

I spent a lot of time on the computer. It was often my only escape, my only connection to the outside world while trapped in that bedroom. I checked email and logged in to Clasmates.com again. There was a message. It was from The Married Guy. The message contained his email address and his phone number. I started to shake, and replied to him.

Every day I went to the set, spending at least eight hours a day there, most days more. Some days I worked, others I just watched. Most days I did both. The week went by fast, too fast. Finally it was time for the “Reveal.” The family was coming home. I was introverted. Not sure how I felt. Something was happening to me, but I didn’t know what. I thought briefly about not going. But my mother told me if I didn’t go and yell “Move that bus” I would regret it. I grabbed the kids and headed for the shuttle.

The parking lot was packed. I almost didn’t find a place to park. I started to cry. This was the last day. We got on the bus and headed for the site. We couldn’t get very close this time. There were literally thousands of people there. We stood in the cold for a long time. The producers asked the crowd to practice shouting, “Move that bus!” Signs were flying, ours included.

When the limo pulled up with the family inside and they emerged, I really started to cry. This was it. Life changing for that family. Life changing for me.

“MOVE THAT BUS!”

It was time to go home. I sat on the bed in the spare bedroom with my bag packed. I had a lump in my throat. This had been one of the best weeks I had in years. And it was over. It was time to go back to hell. All I could do was cry.

Back home, in Maine, I sat alone on the mattress in the bedroom, and opened my laptop. Glowing at the top of my email box was a note from The Married Guy,

“I would love to talk to you. Please call me. Think about it.”

This was it. This was the awakening. His hand was reaching through the darkness into my deepest pit of angst and hell, he was lighting the match that would set me on fire. I emailed him. He asked me to call, he wanted to hear my voice. That was a hard call. He still sounded the same. The same way he did when we were teenagers. He was bringing me back.

We started talking and emailing every day. The conversations started to become sexual. He asked to meet me. Oh my GOD, no, I couldn’t do that. I was huge and gross, I could never, ever let him see me. Oh, but I wanted to see him again. So bad. There was only one way. On that day, the date of which is written forever on my right leg, he changed my life. It was March 15, 2008.

My family was gathered in the kitchen, pizzas had just been brought home for dinner.

“I’m not eating that.”

“What do you mean youre not eating it?”

“I’m just not. I don’t need it. I am going to the store.”

“No you’re not. What the hell?”

“I have to buy something for dinner.”

“There is pizza right here. Fucking eat it.”

“No. I don’t want it. I want something else. I am going to the store.”

I walked out the door and drove to Hannaford. I bought one cantaloupe because that is all I had enough money for.

Caught up in a cyclone I don’t remember much about. I went for a ride. One hell of a fucking ride. With him as my focus I set out on the most important journey of my entire life. To lose over 150 pounds, escape an abusive relationship, and find myself in the process.

My soul burst into flames. I walked through the fire, I looked death directly in the face. I burned to ash. And I rose as someone new.

Three Years

2011-03-14T20:07:00.000-04:00

I celebrate three years of freedom...

Busy

2011-03-14T20:00:00.000-04:00

I have been so wrapped up in school and a couple of other projects that my three year anniversary (fattiversary) kind of just snuck up on me :) I have to be in class tomorrow night (no spring break for this one) so I dont have a lot of celebration options. I am going to the YMCA early in my size 3X shirt. I will be eating the ceremonial cantaloupe at lunch time. And I am wearing the 3x shirt to class. Aside from that, nothing else. ::::sigh::: I will get my year three tattoo later this week or another time when I have a free few hours.

Lots of big things going on right now. Food and exercise is taking a backseat - which is NOT good. I am not eating crap - just not counting or paying attention to how many calories I am getting. That scares me. I am up about 2 pounds which also scares me. ::::sigh:::

Have a good one :)

Later.

Hey there!

2011-03-11T20:52:00.001-05:00

It is 8:30pm on a Friday night and here I am. Home. A loser. Yeah. Really. J

Things have been going okay I guess. I am tired and feeling a little stressed out. Today started the first day of my (sort-of) Spring Break. I still have EMS classes twice next week, but that is all. And I am all caught up (about two weeks ahead actually) on EVERYTHING. So, technically, I can sort of do whatever I want for the next few days. However, this is not all that comforting to me because I *like for things to be the SAME all the time. :::sigh::: When I get into a routine, I like to stay in the routine. And I get weird if the routine gets upset. ::::sigh:::: I need the break.

I work up this morning after dreaming about that Cute Boy I like (fell in love with by accident). He made me smile this morning during a short text conversation. I want him damn it. Bad. Too bad. It’s awful. :::sigh:::

Breakfast was a lovely bowl of steel cut oats with Barney Butter, fruit spread and peanuts (PBJ oats!) And then I made it to the Y :D Yes. Yes I did. I ran on the dreadmill for a half hour and lifted weights, all machines, for a half hour. I treated myself to about 20 minutes in the sauna and a nice, long shower. I had lunch at Whole Foods Market and then sipped Americano at Starbucks. Yes, I had a rice crispy bar, too. I need to get a hold on that. :::sigh:::

I have been bored all day. I hate having nothing definite to do. I had a few phone “meetings” and got a last minute invite to a midwifery conference/workshop for tomorrow all day. I still haven’t decided if I will go or not but one of the reasons I am actually home tonight has to do with getting to bed early in case I do decide to go.

It’s been a loooongggg…it seems like forever…I pulled out what is left of my equipment…a fetoscope, measuring tape, light, I have a few steths including the brand new one I just bought for school, and a BP cuff. I don’t have any books left…but I am not going to worry about that right now. Should I go?

I need to do a bit of work on my car. It needs a bulb replaced and I might actually try to replace the horn all by myself :D I also want to try and get my van dug completely out and charge the battery. It is supposedto be nice this weekend so maybe I can go walking/hiking somewhere local. That would be nice.

I have started calling my dog. I want him to come home. I am ready for him. I am looking. It will be soon. I know it will. J

I have lots of planning and organizing to do.

I am getting feisty and feel like I need a big adventure. Or even a little one J

I will try to be more regular this week since I am not going to be in class full time. I have lots to say…

Happy Anniversary Starbucks!

2011-03-08T08:29:00.001-05:00

Yes, I already bought an anniversary coffee press, mugs and I am going in later for the annivesary blend coffee and a canister. :::Sigh:::

:)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday Excuses

2011-03-06T07:06:00.000-05:00

March 6, 2011

I am not really “down” as Sandra commented on last night’s post. I am just very, very tired. At the end of a 12-14hr day I hate EVERYTHING. In the morning, not so much anymore J

I think I may be fighting a cold, and I am a bit worried that it might actually turn into one, since I haven’t been exercising or taking the best care of myself lately, so that could be one of the reasons why I am so exhausted. I went to bed at 6:45 last night, and was asleep before 8. I didn’t wake up this morning until 5am!!!

I am making a lot of excuses not to exercise. I don’t get it. At this point, not exercising is affecting my attitude, outlook and my mental health as well as how I LOOK and feel physically. It has been so long since I have had regular exercise that the whole shape of my body has changed (and not for the better). I still weigh the same, but damn it, I look different. I know I need to go, because I know I need to feel better. I want to feel better. But I look at the two bags of books next to my bed and I think about the two exams I have on Tuesday and I feel like that is all I should be doing. Something has GOT to give.

I hired a lawyer to handle my divorce and that ball is now rolling, too…and I am extremely nervous as to how it is going to play out. It could be easy, or it could be HORRIBLE. I need to relax and just let it be.

I don’t know what I am planning for today. I am obviously going to start reviewing for the exams and I have some math stuff that needs to be done as well as some research. I *could go to the gym. Or not. My excuse today – I am really not feeling great and should probably take it easy. That is a lame excuse, too, since if I went it would more likely than not improve the way I feel. :::sigh:::

Later.

2011-03-05T19:12:00.001-05:00

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. --E.B. White

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Exhausted

2011-03-05T18:45:00.001-05:00

I had a very long, L O N G, Saturday class today. I am beat. I cannot seem to keep it together. Still eating plenty of sugar, not exercising and just eating too much in general. Carbs are king and what I am eating isnt balanced at all. Carbs are all I want. Carbs and espresso. I have put on a couple of pounds, but mostly, I am just holding my own. I am tired ALLLLLL the time and SICK AND TIRED of school work! Fuck. It really shouldnt be this fucking hard.

I miss the Cute Boy and I am kind of longing for the married guy - more for comfort than anything.

Just the thought of anything but bed right now is making me want to cry.

I am desperately afraid of becoming lazy and out of control...I cannot gain anymore weight. Cannot.

I A M E X H A U S T E D.

G'Night

Wednesday is my FAVORITE day of the week!

2011-03-02T17:10:00.001-05:00

March 2

Well, it lasted one day and that one day I overcompensated with three mini larabars and a slice of toast with honey. What I am getting at-I ate way more calories than I usually would. Ugh. Then today, I packed my usual almond butter sandwich, boiled egg, apple, banana, pretzels, cheese and yogurt and told myself to eat whatever, ummm....no obsessing...no incessant eating...no weirdness. Until...I got to Starbucks. And...ummm...well...I got a small Americano and a rice crispy bar. Ugh. Caffeine after 2:30 (ThisI have been good about sticking to-no caffeine after 2:30) and sugar. I am never going to see change if I dont make change.

But. But. But...

Damn it.

Try, try, again.

I have a TON of work to do. I am trying to get into a specialized program for fall. It will be in addition to my regular course load. I am also trying to reactivate a few expired certifications and licenses. Damn it, it is involved. Ugh. Ugh.

I enjoyed my Positive Psych class today, as well as being on the city campus. I walked a lot today and did sprints on the (up)stairs in the parking garage-5 flights/2 times. I did a little research/reading on HIIT...Ill eventually post what I found.

Still sad and lamenting that Cute Boy. I dream about him almost every night.

Random:

Men in kilts look ridiculous.

Being habitually late to a class is a sign of disrespect to the instructor.

Later.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Happiness Project March 2011

2011-03-01T08:23:00.002-05:00

Friendship

* Be generous.

* Support People.

* Don’t Gossip (oooohhhh….this is a hard one)

* Cut people some slack.

* Help others to think big.

* Bring people together. Socialize.

Activities to boost happiness:

1 – Random acts of kindness.

2 – Extreme nice.

3 – Thank you notes.

4 – Ongoing: gratitude journal, 3 Good things.

Exercise better – try for 3-4 days, 1 hour per day. Cardiovascular and strength. To make it easier, use weights at home or do body weight exercises. Everything counts, as long as the effort is consistent.

Eat better – write everything down in a notebook. Keep track of calories, try and get more protein and fewer carbs. Eliminate or reduce added sugar. Eat real food.

No negative self talk. None. Period.

Be deliberate. Don’t hesitate. Take care of nagging tasks.

Choose to have a Good Day.

Be grateful.

Feel feelings.

Let go of what I havent got.

2011-02-28T08:24:00.000-05:00

If we don't release the past, we keep recreating it - and it becomes the future.

Hey Hey!!

2011-02-28T08:06:00.003-05:00

I don’t get it. I really don’t. My weight has been stable for two years. I am tending to stick, naturally, between 135-140. No effort at all. I don’t even have to exercise and I can eat sugar and crap (in moderation.) I haven’t been sick in years. There is a horrible flu going around – which I have been directly exposed to, once by sharing my medical equipment with my sick partner and once by making out with someone who had it J I do not get sick. I can still fit into all of my clothes (some don’t look as good as they did).

But here’s the thing – I feel HUGE- disgustingly fat and gross. I have what feels like ( and looks like to me) a giant gut. I hate it. And my arms, because they aren’t muscular anymore – are jiggly and that is bugging the shit out of me, too. Oh, and I feel like a poser. A total fraud.

I have been eating whatever. And whatever for me is probably a lot different than whatever for another person who is formerly obese. I still will NOT eat certain things. I am still very selective about where or what I will eat and the amounts. I have to be. Because I am just too fucking afraid of letting Her get too close. I won;’t do it. I wont cross that line. With that being said, I am still quite able to gain weight eating too much almond butter, drinking too many lattes or indulging in too much sugar.

I actually broke down and bought the Beck Diet Solution (on sale in hard cover for $6.60 at Amazon!). Not because I like Judith Beck or even think that book is worth the paper it’s printed on, mostly. But because of ONE thing she discusses near the end of the book – lowest achievable weight and lowest maintainable weight. According to her theory my lowest achievable weight was 125.6 which I stayed at for all of 1-2 days and then hung around 128 for a month or so before moving into the 130s-140s where I have been for almost two years. My lowest maintainable weight to date seems to be 135-140 EFFORTLESSLY.

So, it looks like I need to make some decisions. Everything is a choice. Do I add something (more exercise) or take something away (less sugar, fewer lattes) or do I just get comfortable with the weight I am at?

Hmmm. I have thought about this a lot over the last few weeks. And I really don’t think I am doing all I could be to take care of myself. I am going to take the month of my re-birth to reevaluate. And for the month of March I am going to try and make a conscious effort to make change and see what happens.

I am incredibly busy – and honestly, I don’t think I should be. When I look at what I am actually doing it doesn’t seem like it should take as long as does. I want things perfect, though, I don’t want Bs or low As. So, maybe that is why it is taking me so long, dunno. What I do know is that I HAVE got to take some time for myself and leave the books alone for at least a day every now and then. I went to bed last night at 8:00pm with Chritiane Northrup’s “Womens Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.” I read it until I felt tired and then dropped it on the floor. I have been a big fan of Northrup for many years. I had an older edition of her book in my midwifery library in my other life. I just bought the most recent edition during one of my weekly Amazon orders and I do really love her, although there are several things I completely disagree with including the part where she advocates the hCG diet. Shame, shame, shame.

Anyway, I listened to piano solos and dreamed about that Cute Boy I like (waking up this morning was hard, because the dream was so vivid) all night. I feel pretty good this morning, very positive. I have definite plans for the week, including THREE interviews for school. One is to tell me what I have to complete, still, for the medical program. The other is going to tell me how much it is all going to cost. And the third is actually for another school that I am planning to attend alongside the first. It is a one year, specialized program. I am actually enrolled in a secondary program right now, but I haven’t been putting as much effort into it as I could be.

I don’t know why I am so intent on doing this. I still have “Not good enough” running through my head, along with “Not going to make it. You never do. You start stuff and never finish it. Why bother. Let it go. Just smarten up. You will never make it.” I keep answering that voice with “Why not? Why not ME?” I have to work on that. I really do. I am good enough.

Ugh. I think I know where it comes from – eighth grade. Hard to believe that something that happened that long ago and was essentially very insignificant could have such a profound effect. I am sure there are other contributors as well.

I have other major things in the works in addition to the academics. I know that if one of them takes off, the academics will have to take a bit of a backseat. ::::sigh:::: But I am going to finish it, damn it, this time I am going to finish it.

I will be back soon with my March Happiness Project plans. :)

Three Good Things

2011-02-23T21:54:00.001-05:00

Quick update from my fabulous new iPhone :)

I am feeling much, much better after spending three hours sitting in my optional Positive Psychology class. I just cannotnsay enough about what this class has done and continues to do for me. I got onto campus a couple of hours early so I could experience the beautiful old building and the most wonderful library ever. I spent that time reading and completing next weeks biology homework and then headed to the class.

This class contains a very ecclectic mix of students and is lead by a wonderful professor. Watching the interaction between them and being allowed to attend the class is a gift that I am truly thankful for.

The weather was sunny and nice (still cold) and I was able to walk outside.

I spent the afternoon studying EMS at Starbucks and reviewing for a math test tomorrow. I also reviewed biology lab for a quiz.

When I got home there was a nice big box full of happiness books waiting for me from Amazon :)

So, now I am in bed reading "The How of Happiness." I am still not exercising, and craving carbs and crap with a vengence. I am not going nuts but I am definitely consuming more calories than I usually do. I am going to try to refine those two areas within the next couple of days, because I really do feel like a lazy whale, and that isnt a good feeling :)

Learned lots of stuff in class today, will share more soon.

Later!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Suffering

2011-02-22T22:23:00.001-05:00

I am suffering.

I have been having a very hard time dealing with things, and with stress, over the last couple of weeks. I am tired. Stripped. And I just DO NOT feel like doing anything at all.

I am eating more than normal. But it feels like a true, physical hunger, even though I know its not. I have been giving in. But in a controlled way.

I want to binge eat. Bad. I just want to let it go. And do it. Just do it.

I havent yet. Almost tonight. But I have too much control still. And I wont. So instead I just had a bowl with plain yogurt and berries. And a 1/2 cup of cereal. And then I walked away from it.

I just want to retreat. To hide. To disappear. To never come back.

Nothing big is happening right now. So, I dont fully understand my behavior or feelings. I have not acted this way in a very, very long time. I am very on edge, yelling a lot. Very low tolerance levels. A lot of anger. But at what, I just dont know.

I dont care about anything right now. And I have a very low opinion of myself to go along with that. Too fat. Too lazy. Not good enough. Inadequate. Useless. Unloveable. Hateful. Insignificant.

I could walk away.

My son said, Everything is a choice.

There is something I wanted. It was just out of my reach for a long time. I would be teased with it. But I could never have it completely. Now it is gone for good. And I am left only with "If only, then..."

I am being hit harder than I thought I would be.

Everything sucks right now.

I will be ok.

I cannot be broken.

I will not bow.

Or something like that.

Night.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

In a mood

2011-02-21T07:16:00.001-05:00

February 21, 2011

Oh, have I been in a horrible mood. And, yes, I have been eating more because of it. Yesterday morning I got up at my usually 5:am and started working on an article. I didn’t finish it. I just sat there thinking about how hateful I was and how much I didn’t want the day to happen. No reason exactly, just pissy. I have put on two pounds and just feel like shit. Total shit. I haven’t been exercising. I haven’t been doing ANYTHING besides writing, reading and studying. It is starting to suck ass. I know I have to refine my schedule. I have to be able to take time to exercise and to relax.

The quickest fix to my shitty attitude was to go running. I haven’t run in about 2 weeks, maybe more, so I knew it wasn’t going to feel good – but what choice did I have? I forced myself into running gear, slowly laced up the Brooks and strapped on the RoadID and shoved myself out the front door. The first mile did hurt like a motherfucker – my entire cardiovascular system screamed in agony as I pushed under a 9 minute mile (which took serious effort). I had some muscle pain, too, but by mile 2 I wasn’t feeling much of anything other than the high of being outside, floating along on the wings of the firebird. There is a still a lot of ice on the roads and sidewalks so I had to compensate by running down a sort-of main road instead of the sidewalk. It was Sunday morning, so there wasn’t a lot of traffic, and most of the cars that passed did so easily and respectfully. And then you get the one asshole who thinks it is a good-time to see if they can brush me. You know, to teach me a lesson about running in the road. I don’t think they expected what happened when they pulled up beside me really, really, slow and blew the horn. Doesn’t EVERYONE know that as soon as the mirror touches my elbow it BELONGS to me? Yes.I.did. I grabbed the mirror and yanked, leaving it hanging. They started swearing. So I spit on their window and dented the passenger door with my fist. Ummm…not the right things to do…I know…but remember, I am in the world’s PISSIEST mood. They continued to yell and swear but never stopped. I didn’t stop either. Whatever. The adrenaline rush was nice J And even if they had hit me – I would have gotten right back up. I cannot be broken.

I did a little over 4 miles and then walked another mile to cool-down. I can never just walk, though, because I get cold J So I did a few running intervals during the walk, too. When I got back home, I felt much, much better emotionally. But it only lasted a few hours. I iced my legs while working on my vision journal and then got into the shower. I made lunch and then headed out to Starbucks with my 50lbs of books and supplies where I sat for about five hours. Once again, barely putting a dent in what needed to be done. I hung it up when my head started spinning and I didn’t seem to be retaining anymore of what I was reading. I went to Whole Foods Market and tried to relax, but it was impossible so I just went home.

I went to bed at 8:00pm last night, with a book. Trying like hell to just not think about school work didn’t work. And I couldn’t just concentrate on reading for “pleasure.” At 9:30 I googled a guided meditation my Thich Naht Hahn and shut off the light. I fell asleep before it was even half finished. I slept until 6:30 this morning and still feel kind of shitty. It is apparent, now, that I am fighting a cold that comes along with a headache. I am very hurt over one guy and slightly hurt over the second. I am eating more than I should be and moving way less than I should be. I feel overwhelmed and angry – and I NEED TO GET A FUCKING GRIP.

I would like to say that I am going to spend today looking at my schedule, making some changes and trying to relax, but that is totally NOT going to happen. I have way too much school work to do in order to get ready for the 12hr day tomorrow and all out “sprint” over the next three days.

::::sigh:::::

I will totally be OK. I just need to calm the fuck down. Right? Right?

I put a new story up at P2…but it’s not all that hot. I am becoming too emotionally attached to write a quality piece of smut :)

Later.

2011-02-20T11:02:00.001-05:00

It really isn't "funny" to try and brush me with your car while I am running. I like to spit on windshields, swear, and dent the sides of cars when that happens. And I like the adrenaline rush. Even if you hit me, I am going to get back up. I am indestructible and I cannot be broken.

Happiness Project Check-In

2011-02-19T08:35:00.004-05:00

I actually thought I was failing miserably until I went back and looked at the goals I had set for the month. I actually havent been doing too badly. I have spent A LOT of time on work and school which was the original goal for this month. But less time than I had planned on taking care of myself and my family. Part of the reason for spending so much time, much more than expected, on work and school comes with a number of new, unexpected opportunities that came about over the last few weeks, which were just too good to turn down.

I am mostly content, but a little unsettled and sad about the recent move of someone I really do care about (ass, dick, prick, jerk, or whatever else you want to call him I still care about him). He left without saying goodbye to me - and that is stinging. The feeling is raw and wet and it hurts. So much more than I thought it would ever. I knew that he was never supposed to be forever, but that doesnt make it hurt any less. :::sigh:::

Exercise is really taking a backseat right now. I am not comfortable with that and I need to make some changes FAST. I am going to try and come up with some kind of schedule that will allow me to succeed and still be easy enough to fit in.

So many things are happening for me right now. I am trying to take them one by one and let the process and the path unfold before me. Relaxed. But sometimes I get so excited or overwhelmed. I know that it needs to go slow and easy. That there are things that need to be put in place first. But, some days I just want it so bad.

I still struggle a lot with "not good enough" and "insignificant" and "It's too hard" and "Ill never be able to." During a meeting about applying to medical school I got kind of down, thinking I'll never make it (my GPA is excellent, by the way) and I said to the advisor, "What do you think?" and she said, "You have just as much of a chance as anyone else applying to this program." And she's right. She's right. I got my things together and sent them along. I will make it. Damn it. I will.

Alright...here is the Happiness Project mid-month check-in for February:

Boost Energy, health and vitality:

*Get adequate sleep (less screen time, more books) – (NOPE)

*Exercise better – LIFT WEIGHTS, run, cross train, stretch, ice – (NOPE)

*Eat well – cut added sugars, plan, eat real food – (SO-SO)

Family:

-*Take care of my mom (CHECK)

-Organize paperwork and help prepare a budget; do taxes (CHECK)

-Make minor household repairs; save energy ((CHECK)-in progress)

-Help with housework; yard work; snow; maintenance (ONLY DID SNOW)

-*Spend quality time with mom, kids (SO-SO)

-Little things make a difference (CHECK)

Work/School:

- Attend classes; complete assignments (CHECK)

- Continue research; develop concept; create plan; writing project (CHECK)-In Progress)

- Platform, network (SO-SO)

Spirituality:

- Learn new things (CHECK)

- Keep an open mind (CHECK)

- Study the law of attraction (CHECK)

In addition to the above:

*Tackle nagging tasks by being deliberate and not hesitating. (NOPE)

*Read a new Positive Psychology/Philosophy book (will be more than one) (CHECK)

*Read memoir or fiction (for pleasure) – this is a hard one (NOPE)

*I will choose to “Have a Good Day” (SO-SO)

*I will be grateful (CHECK)

*I will reduce suffering by reframing negative emotions and letting go of what I haven’t got. (NOPE)

LATER!!!

Work...work...work...

2011-02-18T16:03:00.001-05:00

February 18

Umm...yeah. I fucked up. Again. I did something today that I have done a million times before. It sure is fun while I am doing it. But the after effects are horrible. Regular readers know exactly what I am alluding to...and for those of you that don't know-I was with the Married Guy this afternoon. ::::sigh:::: Its been three years now, and I accept it fully for what it is, but I still feel a little hurt and unsettled in regards to what we do have. I should honestly know better at this point. I cannot afford to have a "down" day given what I am doing and what I want to do. And this wont just be one down day, it will probably be a few.

I have to drive the same route to get to him that I had to drive to get to the Cute Boy I accidentally fell in love with. So, I thought about the Cute Boy all the way there, and while I was there, and during the drive back. This sucks ass.

Suffering is endlessly wanting what you cannot have. And I am suffering alright...over both of them. I would do anything for either one of them. I want them both damn it, with the younger one taking a slightly higher preference (only because the other one is married). Why do I do this to myself?

My weight is stable, still. Not exercising and still drinking lattes and eating sugar. Oh, and I am wearing a brand new pair of Lucky Brand "sweet n lows" size 26. Theyre tight but theyre zipped and I can sit down :) My silk shirt is a small and I am pretty happy with the way I look today. :)

In regards to the sugar, since I learned that sugar is a major offender of inflammation for me, I have cut back. I only have one thing per day, usually the rice crispy bar. Some days I will also have a small piece of chocolate or a few chocolate covered espresso beans. Not as much as I was eating. That is probably why I dropped almost 10lbs rather effortlessly.

I am going round and round with school paperwork. I want into that premedicine program and there is just no changing my mind :) But damn it, this is a lot of work! Working on my book and someone elses book at the same time; doing my own research; going after certifications as well as doing my actual school work; and working a couple of side projects. I am tired. :)

Later.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sad...

2011-02-15T13:45:00.001-05:00

Well, it finally happened. That cute boy I like moved a few states away. And even though he promised me he wouldnt leave without saying goodbye...he did.

I am not doing a really good job of processing it. Dont know, really, how I feel. Sad, yes. Hurt, definitely. Disappointed, for sure. Confused, a little. In need of chocolate...of course.

I have been doing a study on really feeling emotions. Not resisting or repressing them, but recognizing and connecting with them. Because when you resist your emotions they fight back, or take revenge in the form of addiction or compulsion.

And when we feed those addictions or compulsions it is a way to feel better. We are trying to help ourselves. Even though, logically we know that feeding those compulsions and addictions isnt helping us.

::::sigh:::

Sometimes, I think it is ok, though. To do it. To feel better.

Is it? Is it really ever OK?

I am doing it right now.

I know this emotion too well. It is raw, wet, and it hurts right in the gut.

And if it takes a little bit of extra sugar to make that go away, then I am in.

I dont want to cry over him.

And, rightfully, I didnt want to say goodbye.

I wont.

Because it isnt.

I am coming back for him.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

2011-02-13T18:39:00.001-05:00

Oh, I am just a vagabond, A drifter on the run, And eloquent profanity, It rolls right off my tongue...

Ugh...ugh...ugh

2011-02-13T18:21:00.001-05:00

Motherfucker. Yeah. Today has sucked. It started out OK. I was trying to get some work done at home and I seemed to be on a roll….I found a few things I was looking for, got a few answers to info I was seeking, had the day all planned out and was getting ready to start another project, ..and my son cut his foot bad doing something he shouldn’t have been doing. Soooooo….I had to take him to the hospital. Actually he went by ambulance, but I had to follow. I went so my mom didn’t have to. He was transported to the same hospital that my dad died at. My mom started crying when the ambulance came. Ugh. That took close to six fucking hours from start to finish and kind of ruined my plans of getting stuff done.

I get home, sulk a little bit, and then decide to start working on some shit that has to be taken care of and I get another bomb dropped on me. Love it. And then the offender doesn’t have the balls to follow through. In his defense, I guess, he did try to call, but I was away from the phone for all of 10 minutes. I tried to call him back and then asked him to call again and he is just being an asshole. So that is taking up a lot of space in my head right now. I cannot concentrate on anything. I guess I should just let the night fucking go…and plan to get up at 3 or 4 am in the morning and work. I am so fucking mad at that person right now. Ugh. I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be.

:::sigh:::

I ate on the fly all day today. Not anything really crappy, but I did have three small Newman’s cookies disbursed throughout the day. I feel fat and disgusting. No exercise in over two weeks. I need to remedy this situation. And soon.

Back to work….

Wow...TIRED...and working HARD

2011-02-12T08:01:00.004-05:00

I am still buried. Math and science are HARD. And like I have mentioned, I took an internship and that is taking up a lot of time as well. The thing with the internship, though, writing for someone else and editing is actually strangely enchanting and addicting and I am LOVING it and learning a lot. I have a couple of side projects, too, which are going well. Things are happening so quickly I can barely keep up!

I am still not exercising regularly, which is bugging me. My eating/food choices has been OK, averaging 1600 calories a day with one sugary item per day (usually the rice crispy bar). My weight is beautifully stable (which is still amazing me) and it is the lowest I have seen in about a year.

I have had two LARGE lattes over the last two days, which is something I am really trying to stop. One small every now and then is fine, but a large a day is just not good (for me). I had been drinking Americano’s with no milk, but I think they affect me differently than a latte if drank in the mid to late afternoon. I have been having a really hard time sitting still during late afternoon and evening classes after drinking an Americano, but not a latte. Oh, whatever. Maybe I need to just STOP with the caffeine after breakfast (or even all together).

I had a practical lab on Thursday that was great fun!!! Assessing and moving the trauma patient. I, umm, also skipped my first two classes on Thursday to, umm, go get my iPhone. Yes. I really did. Ugh. It was a hard decision. It really was. I have wanted that phone for years and years. It was finally released to Verizon Thursday. I was CONVINCED that the phones would be in short supply and that I would have to wait in line forever. So, I made the decision to skip morning classes and go get it. If I had known I wasn’t going to have to wait and that I could have bought the phone at 7am, I never would have skipped class. Because now I am worried about what I missed. Ugh. Ugh. I do love the phone though J

Alrighty, I guess it is back to work for me. I just finished up something for my mom and now I have to start designing boards for the Wellness Expo and the Positivity Club. I have plenty if math and science homework to do and then I am going to hang out in a huge Barnes & Noble store for a few hours.

Tomorrow there is a screening of “Forks over Knives” in Boston I am going to try and make with my oldest daughter. Afterwards we are planning a day of shopping downtown. Should be fun.

See ya!

Better...

2011-02-09T17:00:00.001-05:00

Yes. Much. I think I have mentioned before that there isnt much an outdoor run and a few hours of positive psychology cannot fix. With that being said, though, I am at Starbucks with a venti (large) latte and a rice crispy bar. But its not a "feed the anger/sadness" move, its more a "I'm really cold and lattes are so very, very good and go oh, so well with rice crispy bars" kind of thing. I did add up my calories thus far. I did eat my "lunch" (I guess its actually dinner time now) that I packed first. And I decided that since I probably wont eat the salad and yogurt I also have packed (that was supposed to be dinner), that it was totally OK to have the large latte and the rice crispy bar if I really wanted it. And I did/do.

I have had a fantastic day so far. I am held up in a "foreign" Starbucks hoping to get a little studying done. And then home, early to bed, and another very, very, long day tomorrow. I'll make it. And I'll excel. There's np reason for me not to. None.

I do have to get my schedule a little more refined. I have to make physical activity a priority. And even though I am not eating *that much* crap, I could do better. I have been keeping it "naturally" around1400-1600 calories. This is great for mainenance or a little small loss, but I want better. Not huge or drastic right now, because I love the comfort of being able to eat pretty much whatever and whenever. But better. And I can do that.

Love, love, love this positive psych class. And I think I have mentioned that we are starting a club. I am very excited. It is amazing and poweful, and I wish I could make everyone a believer. :::sigh:::

In case Laurie has missed something, I have been working my ass off academically BECAUSE I want greater purpose and meaning (oh, and because I plan to change the world...but that's a whole 'nother story). I have also taken on a series of "jobs," commitments and projects that are also intended to serve the greater good. In case youve missed it, I am lucky to get a shower everyday and a few hours sleep. I think maybe, juuusst maybe, I might have promised myself to toooo many people;)

Mostly, I am having a good time though. Mostly.

Later...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

2011-02-09T08:06:00.001-05:00

Let food be thy medicine.

Still alive...but barely...

2011-02-09T08:01:00.001-05:00

Feb 9

I am having a moment. One of those moments of sitting and feeling bad for myself. I want an iPhone, but I have to buy equipment for school and pay for some labs – so iPhone has to wait. It comes out tomorrow, I reserved one, and I am upset that I cannot go get it. I have been waiting a LOOOONGGG time for this, and now I cant do what I want to and it is pissing me off. I haven’t felt like this in a long time

Another issue I am having is still feeling like the fattest chick in the room. I know techinally, I am not. But I have certainly gone from “small” to “medium.” And even though I am at the lowest weight I have been in almost a year, I feel like a motherfucking whale. It feels like everything is moving, like everything is flabby. We have a blood pressure lab tomorrow and I totally DO NOT want anyone to see my upper arms. I am panicking about science and math – the instructors are NOT effective for me. Panicking about that just creates problems in other areas and then everything just comes tumbling down.

I can only do so much. I am only capable of making shit happen 24 hours a day. I can only work so fast. I can only write so much. I can only read so many pages. Or do so much research. I have gotten myself into a fucking mess to put it mildly. And I may just be blowing that right out of the water because I am so fucking tired.

I am going to leave for the Positive Psychology class very, very, soon. This one isn’t required. I am not doing the work (other than the reading I would be doing anyway) and I am not required to be there. It is a choice. Yes. A choice to give up 4 hours of the day today so I can listen in. And I am almost guaranteeing a full attitude adjustment by 3pm this afternoon. And I am looking forward to it.

I might actually take my fat ass outside and force it to run today. This will be the first time in over a week. And only the second time I have exercised at all in 2-3 weeks. I feel like a fucking loser.

L O S E R.

I need to get over myself and cut this shit out. The BagLady is cornering me and if she doesn’t back the fuck off I am going to attack. ::::sigh::::

I have been trying to clean up areas of my life. The Cute Boy is one of them. It isn’t easy. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Later.

ETA: This instant gratification whore IS getting an iPhone tomorrow. And I did go running.:)

When You're Young

2011-02-09T07:49:00.002-05:00

So far away from knowing where I am going
I am trying hard to find out who I am
They all see that I don't know what I am doing
I say they don't hardly understand

Why can't they remember
What I will never forget
How these dreams come undone
When you're young

You give what you give cause they make you
Trapped inside a place that won't take you
And they want you to be what they make you
It's already over and done
When you're young

Everything seems perfect
Everything's okay
And it will all get better now
At least that's what they say
But I don't see it coming

You give what you give cause they make you

Trapped inside a place that won't take you
And they want you to be what they make you
It's already over and done
When you're young

Days really just seem longer
They say it's better this way
I hope one day I am stronger than I feel
And I hope it feels different than today

You give what you give cause they make you
Trapped inside a place that won't take you
And they want you to be what they make you
(It's already over and done) [x3]
When you're young

Why can't they remember
What I will never forget
How these dreams come undone
When you're young

3 Doors Down

2011-02-06T08:01:00.001-05:00

When "experts" say, "dairy is good for you," or "(dietary) fat is unhealthy" it is too much of a generalization. That is why fad diets dont work long term. They are not based on reality.

Where I'm at...

2011-02-06T06:58:00.005-05:00

Good Morning! It is 38 degrees today in the beautiful Boston area, but I am still not running this morning. Or maybe I am. Seems kind of stupid if it is already 38 degrees at 6am not to take advantage of the “warm” temperatures. After days and days of single digits and zeros, 38 feels down right balmy! Annnnd….it is supposed to be sunny and clear! So, I might. No regular exercise is becoming an issue. My excuse – I AM TOO BUSY. It isn’t a good excuse because when I wanted it badly enough before, I made it happen, no matter what was going on. I overcame ALL obstacles to get myself to the Y.

I am busy. Like “out-straight” kind of busy with no time for anything. I haven’t even seen some people since right before school started. I have turned down movies, dinner dates, lunch meetings. Just because I cant afford to give up the hours they would involve. My mom mentioned that last night. That maybe I might want to ease up a little bit. Maybe, but not likely. Because I am on a mission. Because this is my way. Because just like my weight loss – I believe “The achievement of a goal is not a marathon but an aggressive sprint.”

I made some discoveries and great decisions as of late. Tomorrow morning I will submit paperwork for dual enrollment at a college in Boston, and I will officially be a premedical student. I have gone over this in my head, on paper, and with others about a million times. I thought about studying nursing again (even about nursing assistant – blech), about medical assisting, and even about a bunch of other things. And it still came back to – I want to study medicine. The real thing. I don’t want to be a clinical psychologist (although this may still be a possibility of sorts), I don’t want to be a nurse. I don’t want to be a registered dietician (although the knowledge I do want). I want to study medicine and go into obesity prevention and research. And I still have some interest in women’s health issues. And I want to write. I will, however, need some recent work experience in the medical field, so I am going to talk to an advisor about doing something short term that will give me up to date skills to do that.

I have struggled with this for several weeks. Finally, Friday I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t sit still. I was pacing and feeling AWFUL. So I said enough is enough – I give up – I am NOT thinking about it again until Monday. And I told the Universe I would much appreciate guidance. Yesterday a large full color view book from the college I am about to send paperwork to showed up in the mail. I looked around on their website and found the special dual enrollment application and read all about their premedical program and all of the supports they offer and knew that was it. Tuition is reasonable, they offer a good discount if you keep your gpa above 3.0, and they have a good number of scholarships. It is PERFECT. I don’t know if I will take it all the way. But right now it is a DRIVING passion.

I was in class all day Saturday. :::sigh::: But while there I learned about even MORE opportunities in relation to some skills I have recently acquired and didn’t think were worth anything. Made the day worth it for a lot of reasons!!!

In addition to my class load:

I applied for, and accepted an internship with a published author. I am working with her on her newest book. I have registered for my ACSM exam and have enrolled in an accelerated nutritionist program. I am starting and administering a Happiness Club through the college. I am going to have a booth at an upcoming Health and Wellness Expo to talk about my weight loss. I am hoping to assist in some way with a “Lose to Win” program that just started. I am still hung up on a boy that is too young for me, and on a married man (who I was too tired to go see last night).

Food and eating has been great. I have been packing all of my meals mainly because I don’t have TIME to go anywhere between meetings and classes, but also to save money. I am trying to budget as strictly as possible right now. I have a lot of school fees, licensing fees, exam fess, equipment fees, and book purchases to make and I need to keep some money in savings :D Calories have been coming in at around 1400-1600 a day. I lost 2lbs last week without even trying too hard (stress maybe?) I am at the lowest weight I have been for close to a year. I still feel fat though. Ugh. I guess I just need to get my shit together and take off the 5lbs. It doesn’t seem like 5lbs would be enough to make me feel this flabby – but I suppose it has a lot to do with the fact that I am not as solid or muscular as I was when I was working harder. I’ll get there I guess.

I am tired, but happy. : )

Today is my oldest daughter’s 14^th birthday.

Yesterday, February 5, was the 13^th anniversary of Tim Kelly’s death. Rest in Peace my friend. Miss you. Love you.

Tired

2011-02-04T20:05:00.001-05:00

I am still alive J Very, very, very busy. Not a lot of time to breathe or sleep, let alone blog. I have lost a few more pounds, although still no regular exercise. It has to be the schedule I am keeping J I’ll take it though!

I have a long day ahead tomorrow…I will be back around Sunday or Monday!

Have an awesome Saturday!

2011-02-02T21:43:00.000-05:00

The Phoenix was made to fly!

2011-02-02T12:36:00.002-05:00

"When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves." -Viktor Frankl

More Snow???

2011-02-02T05:50:00.000-05:00

Good morning! It is another damned snow day in the beautiful BURIED Boston area. I was so tired last night that I turned the light off at 9pm and just went to sleep. The storm started yesterday, but the school I go to assured me that they were still holding classes and that I should hurry up so as not to be late. It took me an hour to actually drive the 20 minute distance and when I was within 5 minutes of the campus I called again and was told that the school was, indeed, closing for the day. Ugh. Damn. I was PISSED. The roads were horrible and I would have preferred to just stay the hell home. I tried to make the best of it by going over to a local Starbucks and setting up in there with all of my books and school work. I got a fair amount done right after shoving down a rice crispy bar and guzzling a small latte just because. Didn’t want it. Didn’t need it. I ate it because I was pissed and wanted to eat something to try and ease the pissed off feeling. No excuses. I own it.

I am happily working away, as the store is quiet and I have a whole section all to myself, and I happen to look out the front window and into the white abyss. The snow is coming down fast and hard and accumulating faster than I am comfortable with. At this point I am worried about getting stuck, so I decide that I better just head out. Ugh. I go around the corner to a Whole Foods Market, buy a nice big salad, Amazing Grass, and a few other things and take it all to go.I drive home. Some of the roads were actually almost impassable. Yuck. I made it home after narrowly missing plow trucks at least three times with my precious car. I worked at home.

I actually got a lot done yesterday with the majority having been done during the hours I spent at Starbucks. I am completely caught up and ahead by at least one week in all of my classes.That makes me happy :)

I have been worrying over my lack of exercise and my sometimes increased calorie levels – however my weight is amazingly stable. It just blows my mind how well my body is functioning.

I am about to get lunch and head out to move snow. Yeah. Like that. I’ll be saying a lot of bad words while I am out there, too. If it looks good enough after I am done I will probably head out to Starbucks, B&N, and Whole Foods Market just for fun. Because I can. :)

Effort

2011-01-31T22:00:00.001-05:00

I had an extremely long day today. I got up and PLANNED to go to the Y. But the sun was nice and I much prefer outside to the belt.. Sooooo…I made Amazing Grass and headed outside. I think it was ZERO degrees when I left early. It was 7 when I got back about 40 minutes later. I swear, I thought my face was going to burn off and I was sure my fingers felt frostbitten even though I had on good runner’s gloves. But I persevered, even down the middle of a main road because I didn’t have on Yaks and there was ice closer to the side that I couldn’t run on. Ugh. I felt better after I had finished. I made oats – but had to settle for rolled oats since I am out of steel cut (blech, paste). As I am sitting there eating oatmeal and drinking French pressed coffee my mom gets to lamenting over all of the paperwork and bills and how she just cant figure it out. So, umm, that is where my morning went. I never made it to the Y. When I was all done trying to help my mom it was lunch time. I took a shower and decided at that point that I should probably get to some of my school work.

I held up in a Starbucks for a few hours and finished math and abnormal psych. I then bought a coloring book (just designs, good for relaxation) and went into the bookstore. I stayed in the book store reading books about sociopathy for the rest of the day. I refused to leave and ended up eating dinner at Starbucks in the store. Umm. Not so smart. I had too many calories today and really, too much crap. It wanst nuts, I ate only when physically hungry but because of my failure to plan and eating on the fly I didn do as well as I could have. Which brings me to my next point.

I am not happy with the way I look right now. I am not happy with my body…at all. And if I really stop to think about it – my current body directly reflects my current level of effort. If I chose to put more into it, instead of being comfortable or feeding the selfish child inside that wants just to want or out of habit, then things would be different. I cant truly see that this is simply a choice and not something out of my control. Enlightenment.

I am trying to lessen or eliminate my suffering in relation to that Cute Boy I like. I was doing wonderfully until this afternoon. Ugh. Starting over again. :-P~

OK. Time for a little more studying and then off to bed. Long day on campus tomorrow!

GOODNIGHT!!!

Way Better

2011-01-30T17:47:00.001-05:00

January 30

Today has been a good day. I think I have pulled out of the last few days of funk. I woke up feeling really disappointed and upset with myself for last night's "binge." It wasnt REALLY a binge, but I did intentionally force food into myself that was NOT good for me in an effort to feed a hungry heart. I knew what I was doing when I did it and that mindfulness is important but still. It was one of those..."take that! Because I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING!" moves...the kind you make when you hate yourself. When you WANT to abuse yourself. I havent done anything like that in a long time.

I was completely tired out last night after spending about a million hours on EMT and algebra, so I just went home. I tried to read a little bit of James Pennebaker's bppk but started falling asleep with it, so I just gave in and shut the light off around 9.

I was up this morning at about 5 and took care of some paperwork. I cbose to for go any exercise again, just because...no excuse. I then started work on a vision board. I didnt want a traditional board, so I spent a couple of hours creating a digital collage, which I shrunk and pasted into my Positivity journal. And then I got a great idea...what about a vision journal? I have been really obsessed with Moleskine "Legendary notebooks" so a journal seemed like a fantastic idea. I set about printing small contact sheet sized pictures and cutting them out; sealed them in a baggy; gathered up glue, pens and other supplies; and headed for B&N to get a pocket sized notebook for my vision journal.

I took my oldest daughter with me (to keep her out of my mom's hair for the day), and I am so glad I did! Because SHE decided to look through the clearance section at the bookstore, which I would not have done. I was just going in, getting what I needed and leaving. Well, she found a Moleskine address book, a 15 month dated planner, and THREE city notebooks all marked down to $2 each!!!! I bought them all. These books are usually about $20 each so what a great deal! I got the pocket sized journal and a paperback I have been wanting and we headed to WFM for lunch. After lunch we held up in a Starbucks store for a few hours while I created the vision journal!

So that's it. Thats what my day has consisted of. It has been very relaxing and very therapeutic I think. I am at my favorite Starbucks right now, talking to Other Cute Boy and getting ready to do some homework. Food has been OK, not horrible, not great, but it is what it is with no planning and eating on the fly. I am at about 1400 calories so far for the day...all real (but over priced) food with the exception of one rice crispy bar and a latte.

Today has been a good day...yes...yes, it has :)

GOODNIGHT!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday's Coming...

2011-01-29T13:33:00.001-05:00

I am feeling bad about myself today. I got up before 5am and thought I had gotten a really good handle on the day...and then things just stalled. I havent exercised since Wednesday and that was just a run. I should have went straight to the Y this morning at 5 and just got it done. But I didnt. Maybe lack of exercise is to blame for my mood today?

Actually, it hasnt been just today. It has been since Tuesday. I still have a hard time believing that it actually happened; that he would really do that to me. Whatever I guess. It really has changed things for me. This time I am sure of it.

I need to pull myself out of this funk. I HAVE to. Its not fun to feel like this at all.

I am eating like shit, but doing it in moderation. However, crap in moderation is still crap - hello Starbucks and your maltodextrin filled drinks. I learned yesterday that maltodextrin, while technically considered a zero calorie (artificial) sweetener, causes an insulin spike THAT DOES contribute to weight gain. Now, lets combine that with a bunch of sugar and a sodium laced processed sandwich and we have an obesity cocktail. Just keep 'em coming...I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING!!!

Except, I do.

Monday's coming...

:P

ETA: Spent HOURS working algebra equations and completing the A&P chapter of EMT. I am still in a pissy mood and both subjects still need work done. I am tired and I want to EAT...a lot...pizza and chocolate...and I think I am gonna...

ETA: I "binged" on a huge salad and a Wallaby yogurt woth $1 worth of trail mix from the trail mix bar. I was going to allow myself a chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks but there were out. I got the SECOND rice crispy bar of the day and another latte. I way overdid it and I feel stuffed and like total shit. I blew almost 700 calories at Starbucks alone over the course of the day. Just about everything else was healthy though. Tomorrow will be better, although I am already dreading exercise. Maybe because I am so tired, run down and sad...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

2011-01-29T08:20:00.001-05:00

Aspartame use can result in an accumulation of formaldehyde in the brain, which can damage your central nervous system and immune system, and cause genetic trauma. The FDA admits this is true, but claims the amount is low enough in most that it shouldn’t raise concern.

Any amount of formaldehyde in your brain is too much.

2011-01-29T07:55:00.000-05:00

Splenda is the trade name for sucralose, a synthetic compound stumbled upon in 1976 by scientists in Britain seeking a new pesticide formulation.

Rule 44:

2011-01-29T06:47:00.000-05:00

Pay more, eat less.

What Happens if we don't make change?

2011-01-29T06:37:00.009-05:00

We all eat everyday. In fact in the developed world, most of our lives revolve around food.We eat when we are happy. We eat when we are sad. We eat when we are bored. We just eat, and we eat a lot.

Food today is not what food used to be. Gone are the small farming operations and in their place loom factory farms and processing plants with a handful of large companies controlling the majority of what American Farmers produce.

Food borne illnesses sicken an estimated 76 million people in the United States each year and are fatal to 5,000, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Buying food from local farmers greatly reduces that risk.

Food is no longer food. American’s consume more processed food than that of any other nation. Americans consume an average of six to nine pounds of chemical additives each year. Many of these additives have been proven to cause cancer and other diseases in laboratory animals.

Obesity has become an epidemic. Two thirds of Americans are overweight and one half of that number (1/3) is considered obese. Other consequences of the Western diet include type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and cancer.

You get the chance to vote three times a day - breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Think about this...

What happens if we don’t make change?

Recommended Reading:

Food Rules by Michael Pollan

The Omivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan

In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan

Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser

Chew on This by Eric Schlosser

Food, Inc.: a Participant Guide by Participant Media

The Consequences of a Meat Hungry Society

2011-01-29T06:36:00.001-05:00

Factory farming in the United States is taking a heavy toll on human health and the health of the environment. Keeping animals in "concentrated animal feeding operations" (CAFOs) constitutes inhumane treatment. Animal waste pollutes the water and air around the farms, causing illness among farm workers and farm neighbors, as well as land degradation. Heavy use of antibiotics in factory farming leads to new strains of viruses and bacteria resistant to antibiotics, creating "superbugs" that may pose a public health threat to all of us.

The devastating environmental a societal impact of raising livestock goes beyond the use of water and land to grow food. Our society's hunger for meat contributes greatly to the production of climate changing greenhouse gases. The livestock industry is responsible for 18 percent of the world's greenhouse gas emissions, a higher share than the entire transportation sector. Forest have been destroyed to create land for cattle, and when these forests are destroyed, the enormous amounts of carbon dioxide that have been stored in the trees are released into the atmosphere.

The best way to alleviate the stress on the environment is to consume less meat and eat more plant based food, which results in a reduction of the greenhouse gas emissions. Reducing the amount of meat in your diet is a great way to keep your weight in check, improve overall health, and take steps toward improving the health of the planet.

Going toward vegetarianism can have great weight and health benefits. Vegans and vegetarians tend to weigh less than people who consume animal products; they also tend to have lower risk of heart disease, diabetes, and some cancers. Even if you cannot be 100 percent vegetarian, being a part-time vegetarian and consuming a more plant based diet is already better for your own health as well as that of the planet. You may want to start by eating vegetarian for a few days a month, or eat vegetarian for only breakfast and lunch every day. If you cannot eliminate animal products from your diet for even one meal, try reducing the portion of meat.

(adapted in part from “Savor” by Thich Nhat Hanh)

If you must eat meat, please choose responsibly. For both ethical and health reasons choose meat that is produced using traditional methods by a local farmer.

What are the differences between the meat of grass fed beef and factory farmed beef?

Grass-fed, traditionally farmed beef:

· Contains less fat.

· Has fewer calories.

· Contains Omega 3 fatty acids (grain fed beef contains more Omega-6 fatty acids).

· Has increased Conjugated Linoleic Acid (CLA).

· Has increased vitamins A and E.

Happiness Project Update

2011-01-28T22:44:00.003-05:00

Happiness Project 2011 – End of month round-up and looking ahead:

* I made small changes that resulted in the loss of 9 pounds for the month of January. I can make a better effort here though.

* I did NOT exercise better. This will be a priority for this month.

* In the beginning I was doing well at tackling nagging tasks, but as the days progressed it became less and less of a priority. I will try again this month.

* I don’t typically have a problem getting enough sleep. However, with the start of the semester I have to be on a more rigorous schedule, so this will become important.

* I did not accomplish the reduction or elimination of suffering by letting go of what I haven’t got. Instead, I made excuses and rationalizations about why continuing the behavior was OK. I am still working on this.

* I did do a lot of reading, and began a positivity journal. The first journal is full and I have moved on to a second. I read one memoir book, “Some Girls,” for pleasure and several positive psychology books.

You can see my goals for February here:

Happniess Project 2011

Note: Because of my Dad's unexpected death in January a lot of my work was put on hold and I have chosen to change my original sequence. February was supposed to be devoted to work and school. Instead I am moving my family project which was originally in May to February and combining it with what is left over from January. In addition I will be working on spirituality and work/school in a lesser capacity

:::Sigh::::

2011-01-28T09:33:00.001-05:00

:::sigh:::

It is after 9am and I have already had a nice bowl of steel cut oats with agave, blueberries and slivered almonds. It was OK, but not as good as PBJ oats. I have been staring at the computer for close to an hour reading survey results and studies related to penis size. Uh huh. A certain Cute Boy I like asked me to. He and I have somewhat differing opinions regarding it. OK….maybe not. One of my “Secrets of Adulthood” is “Size Matters.” And I believe any woman that says it doesn’t is lying or has never been with a man who has a big one J

I am trying to make excuses, or I am making them rather, not to exercise. I don’t feel like running outside-it is too cold. I don’t feel like going to the Y just because I don’t feel like going to the Y. I feel like going to the library and reading and doing research. I feel like going to WFM for a tofu burrito. I feel like going to the book shop. I feel like going to Starbucks. :::sigh:::

I am going to be in on a Friday night. Yes. I already know I am. I will be reading and studying. I am trying to figure out a schedule, that will allow me to work a week ahead and have some breathing room. One that will give me time to do my own research, too. In addition to that, I need to make sure I get in exercise, right?

Ugh.

Ill be back around. No classes today!!!!!

Relapse

2011-01-27T21:56:00.001-05:00

January 27

Relapse

Regression is to return or revert to an earlier stage of change. Relapse is one form of regression involving regression from action or maintenance to an earlier stage.

Common causes for relapse include negative emotional states, interpersonal conflicts and social pressure.

I have relapsed. Yes. It is true. I have fallen back into the habit of lattes and rice crispy bars. And today was bad. It involved TWO lattes, one small and one medium. I am not proud.

I am making excuses.

The "incident" on Tuesday night. The general attitude of that particular subject in relation to the incident and to me in general. And his failure to answer direct questions that I consider important.

The massive amount of stress I have put myself under which is causing an interruption in sleep. The interruption in sleep is causing fatigue and the inability to think rationally and function properly.

Discord with another individual that I may be interpreting incorrectly that is causing suffering.

I am tired and sore and think I am coming down with a stomach flu.

I dont have the time I want to devote to my own research and work.

I miss my dad.

Looking back at that list, I guess I'm not doing too bad if all I used to compensate was a 210 calorie rice crispy bar and 28oz of latte. :) But its becoming a habit again. Other than those two particular things, everything else I ate, was real food that I packed from home. Water and vegetable intake suffered today.

I will end calories at about 2000 with no intentional exercise. The only physical activity I had today was moving snow. It registered as 47 minutes of moderate activity and 8 minutes of vigorous activity on my BodyBugg. Speaking of moving snow, I am getting much more efficient at it. I didnt stall the snow blower once today! And I was able to fix it twice by tightening cables. It only took about an hour to clear the driveway and front steps. Progress.

I just figured out I am going to have to learn to use the lawn mower and law tractor and the hedge trimming things this summer :::sigh::: I have never done that either.

My car is leaking antifreeze. As soon as I saw the puddle I checked it and added more ALL BY MYSELF! :) What? Thats a big deal to me.

I have a three hour class left to go and then I am free for four days. Free to read hundreds of pages and study. Yeehaw. (sarcasm)

Four days to ruminate over that boy...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Another FUCKING Snow Day

2011-01-27T07:48:00.001-05:00

It is only day 3 and I am wondering why the fuck I did this to myself. AND it’s a snow day! So I have most of it off. I only have to go to EMT tonight for three hours. This would have only been the second 12hr day and I am RELIEVED that I don’t have to go. :::sigh:::: That is saying something, isn’t it? I shouldn’t be doing this. I cant do this. Right?

I was just so tired yesterday. I tried like hell to get reading and studying done at my favorite Starbucks in the afternoon, but I was just so tired. I was almost falling asleep in the store (even less cool than crying in the store). I also didn’t get to sit where I usually like to, so that was also a problem.

I have not been sleeping restfully since the “incident” that I had Tuesday night. I didn’t sleep at all Tuesday night and last night I slept maybe two hours. I don’t think it helped at all that I had a two hour text conversation with the subject of that “incident” right before bed. :::sigh::: What the fuck is it about him? I really wish I knew. Because if he was ANYONE else he would have gotten a kick in the balls a long time ago and I never would have spoken to or seen him again. I typically DO NOT put up with this shit. But him? There is something about him that I just cant let go. And regular readers know I have taken shit from him since the very beginning. But at least I had a fair amount of trust in him and felt that he was inherently good rather than just an asshole. Lately I have been doubting the goodness more and more, and that’s hard. I learned, yesterday, about detachment. I have to try. I have to.

I ate like shit yesterday. I was hungry after the class in Lowell but it was late in the afternoon and I wanted to try and get some work done. So I decided to drive OUT OF MY WAY to go to my favorite Starbucks. Options for food there are sketchy as you know. I thought briefly about going to Whole Foods Market but didn’t want to drive the extra and waste even more time. I had packed a lunch and a few snacks, but found myself hungry for lunch earlier than I expected, so I had already eaten everything. I eat a lot of PBJ when on the run, by the way J Well, anyway, I figured a spinach feta eggwhite wrap wouldn’t kill me. My mind started racing…I wanted a latte. I wanted a huge latte. And I wanted a rice crispy bar. I did decide I could have the rice crispy bar if I really wanted it but NO to the LARGE latte. I got a small. They were out of the spinach feta wraps, however, and I ended up with one of the artisan veggie, egg and cheese sandwiches which really wasn’t very good. No idea on calories, guessing a little over 300. And it didn’t keep me full for long either, as I was starving again by the time I got home. My mind is racing again, what can I have? What can I have? I want a huge bowl of Kashi Go Lean Crunch with blueberries and vanilla almond milk and bananas. And I want to refill it over and over again. Wait. STOP! I know better than that. OK…I’ll have a bowl of oatmeal with agave and blueberries. No, too many carbs for that time of night. I settled on a plain greek yogurt with a little bit of honey, blueberries and a ½ cup kashi. While I was eating it I was thinking, “This isn’t going to be enough, I want more. I am going to go nuts with Kashi. Yes I am. Because I don’t care.” But I do. And I didn’t. I still finished around 2000 calories yesteday, but with the 6 mile run and two-three miles walked on campus, I still had a sizeable deficit according to my BodyBugg. And this morning I am down another pound.

There is over a foot of snow waiting for me to shovel it. I am not happy about this. Not at all. But my reward for getting through it is going to be to GE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE and go to Starbucks with my books. The more I study, the more I really think it is psychology that I need to go with. But maybe not, since it seems like positive psychology is the only part that really turns me on J That and some “new age” stuff I have been uncovering. I got all turned on in Biology, too, so who knows. Guess I’ll just keep wandering that path and taking in as much of the trifecta as I can. The answers will manifest J

Time to make oats, and, umm, FUCKING SHOVEL.

More...

2011-01-26T16:14:00.001-05:00

January 26 (again)

So a six mile run OUTSIDE, even when it is 5 degrees, AND a Positive Psychology class with a certain professor, even when it is hell to get to the campus, makes the world all right again. Yes. Yes it does.

No, I didnt go to the Y this morning. I really didnt feel good and I was very down because of what happened last night. I NEEDED the high that outdoor running produces. So I layered on the clothes. I even wore a heavier running jacket, but it didnt matter because I took it off about a quarter mile into the run. It was truly majestic. I soared on the wings of the firebird for almost an hour. I had a real experience today. My mind drifted and I was so far into the zone that I even missed a road on the way home. I dont typically do six miles, especially in the winter, but today it was just important to do it. I saw something and after thinking about it, I needed to double back and look again/get it. I will elaborate more on that later or another time. Most of you would think I was crazier than you already do if I shared it right now :)

So, no Y today. Instead I got my weight training in hauling around the 30lb book bag. Ugh. Tomorrow I am assuming my exercise is going to be moving snow. Cant wait. Really. (that is sarcasm) Friday, yes Y. And as much as I hate the Y on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays I might just have to go to make up for today and tomorrow. :)

There really is a difference between running on a belt and floating on air outside. I prefer the floating.

And in reference to manifesting the poor treatment from that Cute Boy, I completely agree with you. He has not treated me that bad ever. But lately he has been taking more and more liberties and I realize it has to stop. The problem is the attachment though. And I am working on it.

I have a lot of work to get done, so Ill leave it at that. Might be back around later.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

2011-01-26T14:24:00.000-05:00

"Anyone that ever accomplished anything did not know how they were going to do it. They only knew they were going to do it."

2011-01-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

That which you manifest is before you. That which is like unto itself is drawn. It is done unto you as you believe.

Real

2011-01-26T06:23:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was long. But last night was longer. I allowed myself to be treated badly and I am not sure how I feel about it. (yes, there is a story but it is not hot, or dirty, its actually pathetic.)

I have been up for more than 24hours straight and I have another long day planned today. And then tomorrow is going to be a repeat of yesterday minus the shitty evening. Because, I wont be letting that happen again.

It has been one day, and I am already starting to doubt. Is that normal? There is so much work and on top of all of the academics, there is still my own research and writing to worry about. How? How does it all get done?

Maybe I am just panicking because I am tired, sore and sad. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better. Maybe today. I am going to sit in on this semester’s Positive Psychology class. I have a feeling at the end of that three hours I am going to feel pretty good. I still cant even begin to say, what that class and that professor have done for me. I am sure he doesn’t even realize it. Or at least realize the magnitude. My life is different because of him. Because of that class. So, that’s what part of today will be.

I am torn about a few things relating to my class choices. There are going to be a lot of licensing, exam, practical, and lab fees this semester. I also need several more books that are close to $100 each. I can afford it, but should I? I am probably not going to practice or work in the field for any of these things. My goal is to go into research and to write. But I want this information. I want the knowledge even if it is not directly related to what I want to do. I feel like it is important. But I look at the monetary commitment and I wonder if I am just flushing it.

I also have that feeling of not being able to get it in fast enough. I read constantly, and have taken up journaling the notes in detail by hand. I am starting a self study course in medical terminology to brush up since it’s been a while and also trying to teach myself certain aspects of pharmacology. Because, we only have so much time.

I feel like I am all over the place, but I also feel like it is necessary. That I need to do what I am doing, just the way I am doing it, to get where I want to go. I feel like every step I make is a perfect step and that I am being lead by the most perfect, majestic Universe. (I told you I was tired).

The law of attraction is Real, by the way. Just thought I’d put that out there.

I packed everything I ate yesterday. All real food. Imagine that. I did go into Starbucks during a sweet 60 minute reprieve and I ordered a latte because I REALLY wanted it. I haven’t had one in a few days. But here is the thing…I REALLY wanted a Venti (large) and I REALLY wanted a rice crispy bar. I mean REALLY. And I contemplated it. It would have been almost 500 calories for both. I tried to make excuses so it would be OK to have it. But when I got to the counter, I knew better. I ordered a tall (small) Skinny Vanilla Latte for 90 calories. I ate my salad and yogurt in the store with the latte and a bottle of water. And I ate 50 calories worth of the dark chocolate and espresso beans I had packed with my lunch. Progress.

I have made it to the Y two days in a row now. Even with my hectic day yestrday. I had planned for the day “off” because of the amount of time I would be spending in class. But I have done it before. Made it a priority above all else. And damn it, I can do it again. So I packed everything up, started my car hoping it would overheat a little bit and warm up and loaded in my gym stuff. I went back inside to talk to my mom for a little while and then walked right out the door without my school books. :::sigh::: Yes, I really did.

It was snowing and the road conditions sucked. There was also a lot of traffic. It took me almost an hour to make a 30 minute trip. I noticed my books were missing a little over half way to the Y. I called my mom. She offered to drive them out to me. I accepted.

I had an awesome power hour at the Y, with 35 minutes of dreadmill running and 30 minutes of weights, all machines, training upper and lower back, biceps, hamstrings and glutes. I took a quick shower, took care of some paperwork and then headed out to wait for my mom. She was caught in traffic. I ended up a half hour late for my first class. What a shitty start to the day. I tried very hard no to let it color the rest of the day. Remember, the law of attraction is Real. I have one professor from hell. I swear he is crazy, and not in the good way, either. But I lucked out on the rest of the instructors. By the end of the day I was feeling pretty happy and content, until I wasn’t anymore. And it was something that I allowed. I own it. I take responsibility. I’ll get over it.

I have been up all night. It is just now heading for 6:30 am. My kids have been up since 3am with a stomach bug. My mom has been handling that. Not me. I am worried that I am going to get it. Actually, I never get sick. So what am I worrying about? The Law of Attraction is Real.

I suppose I should get to it. Get the day started. I am trying to make excuses not to go to the Y this morning. But theyre not really good ones. I just checked and coming from the Y only adds 15 minutes onto my commute time for class. That’s not enough to make any excuse valid. Maybe I am too tired. Too sad. To sick. Maybe I don’t care. Except I do. It is important to me to be the product that I preach. It is important to me to be the best version of myself. And the best version doesn’t have ten extra pounds or weak muscles.

So, off I go. Because we only have so much time.

ETA: I dunno if I am going to the Y or not. I am not feeling great. Going to make oats and espresso and decide after that. It is most important to me to get to that class and do the required reading today. :::sigh:::

The Sprint

2011-01-25T05:52:00.001-05:00

Jan 25

It is right before 6am and I havent been up this early in a long, long time :) Today begins a sprint. I am carrying a load of 17 credit hours. My books, which I need all of on campus with me all day, weigh 27lbs. I will be in class for almost 12hrs today with no break. (What was I thinking?)

My plan is to pack meals and snacks and head to the Y before class. I will not be home until after 10pm and it is doubtful that I will have a chance to post again until then. Even then, I am probably going to be too tired :)

I am going to have to make two trips out to the car, which has no heat, (have I mentioned its 3degrees?) with my stuff for the gym, school, and the normal crap I carry around (I am def high maintenance).

Alrighty, its time to make this happen! Off to make steel cut oats and espresso.

Later!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hey GRANDMA!!!

2011-01-24T14:29:00.001-05:00

I love my Black Crowes! And I played that song three times today while working out.

I have not taken an ass beating like I took this morning in a very, very, long time. I went to the YMCA this morning. Yes, I stalled. Yes, I tried to make excuses. Yes, I tried to find a reason not to go. But, an hour after finishing off my steel cut oats I left in a car with no heat :) and drove the 40 minutes to my beloved Y.

Three hours after I arrived, I was laying on a mat trying to do a good job of stretching with the hopes that it would reduce the pain I know I am in for later today and tomorrow. Ninety minutes of cardio which included 45 minutes of hell on the dreadmill (at minus five degrees this morning I decided not to run outside :). Ninety minutes of weights, all machines. I always do cardio first and when I am finished I have often tried to make excuses for skipping the weights or cut the weight portion shorter. Not today. Uh uh. I have the time today and Mondays should be my long days, so I made myself do it.

There really is a difference between exercising outside and exercising in the gym (indoors) and I can tell ya...outside kicks ass as far as feel good factor. I had a small snack as well as Gu chomps in my gym bag just in case, but didnt need them. I packed lunch, a copy of Starbucks protein plate-boiled egg, 1/2 apple, 1/2 oz cheddar and an almond butter sandwich. I ate it with a nice, big, iced coffee at Starbucks where I am now :) I did eat the boiled egg in the car before running into the mall to buy my Vera pencil pouch, though. My blood sugar was/is acting "iffy" :) and I am a little afraid that I might just "bonk" this afternoon. Because, well, its been a while ;) and my poor body doesnt know what hit it today.

All is good otherwise. :)

Later!

ETA: Annie is indeed bonking...or at least that is what it feels like. I swear. And that's my excuse and Im sticking to it!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

2011-01-24T14:24:00.000-05:00

Do you hate your body for being overweight? It didn't do this to you; you did this to it. You haven't been abused by your body; your body has been abused by you. And yet, unlike you, it has continued to hold up it's end of the relationship. It has continued to function as best it can.

Super Size Me

2011-01-24T12:24:00.000-05:00

* The original Hershey Candy Bar was 0.6 ounces when introduced in 1908. But current bars range in size from 1.6 to 8 ounces.

* Twenty years ago a standard bagel was three inches in diameter and 140 calories. Today’s bagels are usually six inches in diameter and contain 350 calories, the equivalent of four slices of bread.

* If you drive an older car, you know today’s soda bottles are too large to fit in the cup holders. In the 1950s Coca-cola was sold in 6.5 ounce bottles and had 85 calories. In the 1970s a 12ounce can became the norm. And in the year 2000 the 20 ounce bottle, which has 250 calories, became the typical serving size. That means a typical serving of Coke is 300 percent larger than it was in the 1950s.

* Muffins have been supersized from 2-3 ounces to 4-7 ounces.

* Cookies have expanded enormously.

* Pasta portions have become almost six times larger.

* Fast food chains offer hamburgers, sodas, and French fries that are now two to five times their original size.

(adapted from Sugar Shock By Connie Bennett, Nicholas Perricone, Stephen T. Sinatra)

Cut Excess Sugar

2011-01-24T10:00:00.000-05:00

Studies have shown that sugar is more addicting than cocaine.

One out of every four calories (25%) in most American diets comes from sugar. The World Health Organization recommends that no more than 10% and more preferably 6% of calories should come from added sugars.

(The fructose in fruit and the lactose in milk are naturally occurring, real sugars and they come packaged with nutrients. It is ADDED sugars that cause weight gain and disease.)

Sugar consumption can contribute to and/or cause all of the following:

Migraines, headaches

Premature agung, wrinkles

Inflammation

Pms

Emotional ups and downs

Depression

Mood swings

Drowsiness

Fatigue

Temper tantrums

Insomnia

Aches, joint and muscle pain

Cravubgs for sweets

Waking up exhausted

Sleeping too much

Diff concentrating

Anxiety

Irritability

Heart palpitations

Dizziness and vertigo

Light headedness

Nightmares

Ravenous hunger

Unnecessary worrying

Feeling best after 7pm

Digestive problems

Indecisiveness

Shaking when hungry

Hyperinsulinemia

insulin resistance

metabolic disorder

type 2 diabetes

Making a few changes in how much and when you eat sugar can do what no medication can. It can rebalance your brain chemistry and curb out of control appetites for a natural high. It comes with no side effects other than improved energy, sharper thinking, lower risk for most age related diseases and a longer, more fulfilling life.

Tips for reducing and eliminating sugar intake

Start by choosing 2

1. Focus on foods that are the biggest offenders - scones, candy, cookies, muffins, ice cream.

2. Purge the kitchen of sugar - read labels, throw out anything that lists sugar in the first three ingredients or that contains multiple sugars in the ingredient list.

3. De-sweeten recipes: when baking, cut the amount of sugar by one quarter or one third. You wont miss it.

4. Control temptation: dont bring trigger foods into the house.

5. Dont get too hungry - eat breakfast and eat regularly throughout the day.

6. Stick to the good stuff - dont waste your sugar allotment on foods that arent even sweet like canned chili or a frozen meal. Skip the junk and focus on small amounts of the best desserts.

7. Stretch out the sweet treat to savor the experience - eat slowly. Focus on the flavor and experience of eating the food. Choose sweets that take a long time to eat.

For example, I have often chosen a small Green and Blacks dark chocolate bar that I can break into 12 pieces. The whole thing is 190 calories and it takes a while to eat. And as an added bonus I get the benefits of dark chocolate.

8. Split desserts - have coffee as dessert or share with other people

9. Frantic for a sugar fix? Focus on the first two bites. They’re all you need. You get everything you need out of the food in the first two bites.

10. Set ground rules - establish rules about how and when you will indulge.

11. Boost seratonin with quality carbs - youll get the dame seratonin boost with whole grains. Try toasting a whole wheat english muffin and drizzling with honey.

12. Spice it up - use sweet tasting spices and flavorings vanilla, cinnamon, mint and nutmeg.

13. Think produce for your sugar or sweetness fix - poached pear, baked apple, frozen blueberries, mandarin oranges.

14. Change your attitude - remind yourself that you deserve better.

15. Purchase unsweetened versions of your favorite foods and sweeten at home with honey, agave or other favorite sweetener.

16. Put added sugar into perspective - ketchup and bbq sauce have a lot of sugar, but you eat only a little at a time. It’s the cookies, muffins and scones (and RICE CRISPY BARS!!) you need to watch out for.

17. Pamper yourself - read a book, take a walk, take care of yourself.

Sugar Shock Challenge

For 21 days eat only high quality proteins, vegetables, fruits, legumes, nuts, seeds, fats and whole grains. After those three weeks, allow yourself one single day of indulgence. Then take note of how you feel – later that day, the next day and two days after eating those “treats.” How did the sugar affect you? What did your body tell you?

Unless a food is a step towards health and bliss it is probably not worth the taste.

(adapted in part from Eat Your Way to Happiness by Elizabeth Somer and Sugar Shock By Connie Bennett, Nicholas Perricone, Stephen T. Sinatra)

2011-01-23T16:06:00.001-05:00

Deprivation “diets” don’t work. Being deprived is not a great way to enjoy life. Any “diet” that is based on denying yourself the foods you really like is going to be really temporary.

Fat Facts

2011-01-23T16:03:00.001-05:00

It is impossible for dietary fat alone to make you fat. It is excessive levels of the hormone insulin that makes you fat and keeps you fat. The more carbohydrates you eat, the more insulin you produce. And the more insulin you produce, the fatter you become.

Fat slows down the entry rate of carbohydrates into the bloodstream, thereby decreasing the production of insulin. Since it is insulin that that makes you fat, having more fat in your diet is important for reducing insulin, especially since it does not stimulate insulin production. Fat is also the most satiating nutrient, keeping you full longer. So, butter your bread.

The number one predictor of heart disease is not high cholesterol or high blood pressure, it is elevated levels of insulin.

2011-01-23T15:51:00.000-05:00

All you need is the will and desire, the flame and the fire. Nothing else matters.

2011-01-23T15:04:00.001-05:00

Artificial substances create an artificial appetite.

When natural substances are reintroduced to your body your natural appetite will return.

Stop Mindless Eating

2011-01-23T14:56:00.005-05:00

“Everyone – every single one of us – eats how much we eat largely because of what’s around us. We overeat no because of hunger but because of family and friends, packages and plates, names and numbers, labels and lights, colors and candles, shapes and smells, distractions and distances, cupboards and containers.”

* Think 20%. Take 20% less of something than you think you might want before you start to eat. People can eat 20% less without noticing a difference. Do the opposite with fruits and vegetables – eat 20% more.

* Put your food on a plate or in a bowl before you eat it. Never eat directly out of a package/bag/or box.

* Use smaller plates, bowls and glasses and present your food in an esthetically pleasing way. Big bowls, big plates, big spoons = big servings.

* If you buy supersized. Jumbo packages of certain foods to save money – repackage them into smaller Ziploc bags or containers. The smaller the box, the less youll make, and the less you make the less you’ll eat.

* Beware of leftovers – they signal you probably made too much, and ate too much, at the original meal. (this doesn’t count for “intentional leftovers” where you make more than you know you need/want so you can package for another meal).

* Make mindless eating a hassle by leaving serving dishes off of the table and in the kitchen. The opposite of this is true for green salad or healthy vegetables. Leave them where you can get seconds easily.

* “De-convenience” certain foods by storing them in a place that is harder to get to. Try to snack only at the table and use a clean plate or bowl.

* Don’t bring tempting foods into the house to begin with. If you don’t have it, you cant eat it. Or you will have to drive somewhere to get it. That is sometimes all it takes to deter the craving.

* If you are not truly hungry, try distracting yourself before eating.

* Avoid distractions when you are eating. That means pay attention to what you are eating and savor your food by NOT watching TV, reading or doing something else.

* Don’t deprive yourself. The best way to change a habit is to do so in a way that it doesn’t make you feel deprived. Keep your comfort foods but eat them in smaller amounts. Small doses take you a long way. Or, rewire your comfort foods by pairing healthier foods with positive events.

* Beware of the “health-halo” of certain foods. We can easily let your general impression of a food mislead us. Think youre safe eating tofu and low fat granola? Think again. Everyone is tricked by low fat (and other) labels-but they have an even more dramatic impact on the obese.

* Beware of the “see-food” diet – if you see it, you want it. This is the power of suggestion. Out of sight, out of mind. The “see-food” diet also works with the good stuff - so put some vegetables or healthy snacks where you can see them and get to them easily.

* Think smaller portions or sharing with someone else.

One less 140 calorie latte each day =

14 less pounds in a year.

One less 210 calorie rice crispy bar each day =

21 less pounds in a year

Walking ONE extra mile a day is 100 calories =

10 less pounds in a year.

Behavior change is the key to adding years and quality to our lives. No one can motivate us to change but ourselves.

(adapted from Mindless Eating by Brian Wansink)

More about rapid weight loss

2011-01-23T14:22:00.000-05:00

“The best way to make a jaw dropping body transformation is through a powerful explosion of intense focus, effort that FORCES your body to change. I have never seen a single person make a dramatic change in his or her body using the slow, steady, sensible approach. Those “sensible” people are the ones you see in the gym every day who looked the same last year…and the year before that.”

THE ACHIEVEMENT OF A GOAL IS NOT A MARATHON BUT AN AGGRESSIVE SPRINT

“Rapidly losing body fat, building muscle and breaking negative behavioral habits is an act of violence.”

More in regards to the question I posed yesterday. I think so of you misunderstood. I was asking if you thought there was any PSYCHOLOGICAL benefit to losing weight rapidly. I believe there is. It is now time to start collection data to see if that is true or not and if it is, for what percentage of individuals.

* * *

There is truly a lot of ignorance regarding weight loss in the blogosphere and in general. I have very low tolerance for ignorance, which is why I will never be able to work directly with people.

Today has been aimless so far. I hate days like this. I have read two books, and outlined both. No exercise this morning, it was below zero outside – that was my excuse. I definitely felt better yesterday as a result of the exercise, but still opted out today anyway. I puzzle myself sometimes.

I have a lot of work to do. And I want to eat just to eat. Not smart.

Back later.

Important Question

2011-01-22T08:57:00.003-05:00

"Those who ultimately succeed always begin in the same way-they get pissed off."

Looking for input:

Do you think there is any psychological benefit to achieving results RAPIDLY (as in I lost 100lbs in six months) as opposed to slowly (losing 100lbs over two to three years).

My theory is that rapid results are necessary for some (most?) people in order to make a radical, long lasting transformation. That individuals who are not given the instant gratification tend to become frustrated after a while and give up.

Thoughts?

"People who succeed in losing a lot of weight don't do it accidentally or in a half-assed manner. No one has ever made a radical transformation by "kinda-sorta" wanting it, "watching" what they eat, and "trying" to exercise more."

The Phoenix dies in fire and is reborn in fire.

Savor the flame.

Hey! Good Morning!

2011-01-22T08:38:00.002-05:00

ETA: I *DID* go running this morning!!! 4.24 miles, 9:10 overall, 7:51 fastest. 10 degrees outside. Beautiful, majestic run. I.FEEL.AWESOME!!!

Good Morning! The sun is shining bright here in the beautiful Boston area today and it is beautiful despite the temperature being 10. Yes, 10 degrees. I am thinking about going running in a little bit. But just THINKING. I dunno. I feel pulled to it, so yeah, maybe. Even if it is just a mile or two. I haven’t been running (thanks bitter cold and snow) or exercising regularly at all. That is NO good. Exercise has so many benefits – both psychological and physical – that it is just stupid not to partake.

I made an Amazing Grass shake already with almond milk, half a banana and water; and a cup of espresso blend coffee with just a little bit of sugar free vanilla syrup. Someone asked a question in the comments the other day about Amazing Grass and feeling nauseous after drinking it and eating right away. I have never heard of that being a problem and it certainly never has been for me. Amazing Grass is an acquired taste, that is for sure J And I have mixed it several different ways – including JUST with water and have been able to drink it like that and eat right after with no problems. I will ask one of the Amazing Grass reps for you and see what she says.

I spent all day yesterday in my room reading and writing. It was by choice – didn’t really feel like going out in the cold and didn’t want to spend money. I have come up with a grand plan that will involved attending two different schools at the same time – and that is going to cost. I already dropped a gazillion dollars on books and I am still not done. :::sigh::: My books for this semester are so heavy I fear for the life of my Vera tote so I think I am going to go to LL Bean today for a large Boat & Tote – those things are guaranteed to hold up to 500lbs. Hehehehehehhe.

Anyway – the spending the whole day in my room didn’t make for such a happy me later in the evening. I was really lonely but still didn’t want to go out. I went to bed around 10pm and read Thich Nhat Hanh for an hour. I am making sure I get outside and out and about today. It makes a BIG difference.

I placed an order with Amazon two days ago and have a bunch of books to pick up at the library today! So I guess what I’ll be doing for the next few days is reading J

My weight is lovely stable. I am impressed with myself J Really. I am. I am experimenting with a few things and a couple of theories. One of which is a modified version of Judith Beck’s lowest achievable weight and lowest maintainable weight. And the idea that “every day the scale reflects exactly what it should based on certain factors.” Ok – lets look at that in reference to me….when I do not eat a lot of sugar, eat mostly whole foods; increase my vegetable intake; and exercise regularly my weight is (naturally-very little effort)125-135. When I choose to consume A LOT of sugar; eat more processed foods; decrease vegetable intake; and don’t exercise regularly my weight is (naturally-very little effort) 135-145. Or something like that. I haven’t figured it all out just yet but that seems to be the general idea. I am not quite sure how it plays into the idea that I am still in maintenance – and always will be. Meaning how that theory relates to the formerly obese. Because if we relax too much we will regain it all. I think that is where my “food rules” theory comes into play. Blah, blah, blah. I am just rambling for myself at this point J I am still looking for the answers I am told I will never find. I think the ones that told me the answers are unattainable are wrong. I know I am going to find it. And when I do – and I feel like I am close to it right now - I AM GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD.

OK…off to go running in the ICE COLD outdoors!

Snow Day

2011-01-21T08:25:00.000-05:00

I FUCKING HATE SNOW. Damn it. Another snow day here in the Boston area. Kids are home from school and in a couple of hours I will have to go outside to move snow again so we can get the cars out. This SUCKS ASS.

I have already consumed 400 or more calories and it is barely after 8am. I really shouldn’t have eaten a bowl of oatmeal RIGHT after having my Amazing Grass shake. No, no I shouldn’t have. It is just too much. Oh, and guess what else? I made a “mock” latte this morning, too. That French press was a totally bad idea. It only makes about 16oz of coffee at a time, it is just a little one. But, still. There have been a couple of days that I have used it twice. And did I mention Starbucks sells the sugar free vanilla syrup? And that I just happened to buy a bottle of it along with an entire pound of espresso roast coffee, ground for the French press? And that quart of skim milk. I got at Whole Foods – it is almost gone. :::sigh:::

The last two days I drank the coffee with nothing in it to save calories (and chemicals from the sugar free syrup). And get this – because I had already had the taste of the espresso during the day, I wasn’t really into getting a latte at Starbucks. In fact, Starbucks isn’t as much fun anymore since I can make just about anything I want at home now. :::sigh::: The last two days I went I had a hard time choosing a drink. I am even making awesome iced coffee at home. But don’t’ worry, I am still not drinking 10-12 cups a day like my mom does. I have 1-2 usually. I really like the high from drinking one in the early morning with oatmeal. I am excited to see how it affects my work outs in the morning, too. I am sure the novelty of the French press and the pretty new Starbucks cups will wear off soon enough J

I got up feeling pissy because of the snow but that one little cup of espresso gives me a buzz. A high almost. Maybe I should try drinking alcohol. Maybe I would like it J Maybe that would be a problem J I am going to start trying to learn about wine next. I have a friend that said he would teach me.

And want to laugh at something else? I went to bed last night surrounded by books that I was studying from. I got up this morning and cannot WAIT to start studying again. I am working on some psych stuff. I am so enchanted and enthralled by all I am learning. I just wish there was more time in the day, more days in the years, and that I could cram it in faster.

So that is what is on the agenda for today – reading, studying, writing; Planning a schedule for next week; planning lunches, dinners, and snacks for long days on campus (did I mention there are NO BREAKS during my 12hr days?); and planning a schedule at the Y that I can commit to. I am excited.

I will be back around later. Like I said, I have found a few things that I want to share…they’re coming J

See ya!

So Far Away...

2011-01-20T18:53:00.001-05:00

As I was driving to Starbucks tonight my mind wandered...I started thinking about hiking season and how I might like to try a different pair of boots. And then I thought about where my Vasques were and I remembered putting them away for the season. I put them and my summer Danskos away, and got out my Uggs. Two pairs of Uggs, one brown with fur and one plain black. If one gets too wet I have another. I have more than one jacket, too, and they all fit. I have gloves and mittens, and scarves.

Far away, Universes away, are the winters spent walking through knee high snow in Birkenstock clogs that were falling apart. Of clearing the snow off of the van without gloves. And of walking against the wind in a coat that no longer zipped or buttoned.

There are clothes in my closet, more than one pair of underwear in my top drawer, and I have tops that arent stained. I have pretty bracelets I can wear, because I didnt have to sell them to pay the electric bill. The house is warm, and hot water comes out of the shower faucet. I have a car and a van that both run, and can take me where ever I want to go.

I can have friends. I can meet people. I can love men. I am alive.

So far away, Universes away... From the "life" I used to live. Am I Real?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I Really Can Turn Back Time

2011-01-20T08:22:00.001-05:00

I am crazy

2011-01-20T08:16:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was long. Started off OK I guess. We called the mechanic and asked when we should drop the car off to get tires and then we left it. I took my mom with me to buy some texts for classes that start next week (!!!) I took my mom to WFM to get lunch, which we took over to Starbucks to eat. And then we picked up my dad’s ashes.

::::sigh::::

Death sucks ass.

* * *

I had serious separation anxiety over the car all day. While it was there we decided to have the mechanic see why it had no heat. He opened it up and discovered that it had no thermostat at all. He put one in. The engine overheated, hence why it had been removed in the first place. :::sigh::: Mechanic told me the car was going to need extensive engine work and that the car might even need a new engine. So, now I am really panicking. I want the car BACK. Soo….get this…I paid for the labor to take the thermostat back out and put the car back the way it was so I could drive it home. And, and…I am still driving it with the full understanding that it will probably need to be towed at some point.

Yes. I am really crazy. I can totally see this. I cant handle the idea that the car wont be with me. That I wont be able to see it. That it will be gone. I don’t care about the money at all. When I bought it I knew it would need work. Probably a lot of work. I don’t care what I have to put into it. I just need that car.

I just got it back. And I am so afraid someone or something is going to take it away from me again. I need it to stay with me. Everything I ever had was taken away. And it would be near impossible to replace that car. Which isn’t just a car, by the way.

* * *

This morning I get up. Late. Ugh. I am feeling pretty OK. I make Amazing Grass and then help my mom put out the trash. I see the car covered in ice and I start panicking again. I have to get a fucking grip. The car is OK. I will fix the car. I have another car to drive while she is gone. It is OK. She will get a bigger engine and will be faster. Its OK. I have to relax. Damn it. I AM CRAZY.

* * *

I haven’t been exercising. This is not good. I am aware of it. I know about it. And I will correct it. My weight is stable. Eating has been pretty much on the fly but hovering between 1400-1700 calories per day. I learned something really big yesterday that I might share later. I have a lot to work on and a lot to do. I think I am fighting a cold as I am VERY tired.

Back a little later :)

Starbucks...

2011-01-19T07:40:00.016-05:00

...A place to get away from it all without going very far.

Starbucks began as a single store in Seattle’s Pike Place District in 1971. The name comes from the Herman Melville classic, Moby Dick, after the first mate on the Pequod, Starbuck. Founded by three partners, Jerry Baldwin, an English teacher, Zev Seigl, a history teacher, and Gordon Bowker, a writer – they were inspired to sell high quality coffee beans and equipment by Alfred Peet, whom they knew personally.

Howard Schultz joined the company in 1982 and after a trip to Italy he advised that the company should sell coffee and espresso drinks, as well as beans. The owners rejected this idea, saying it distracted from their primary focus. Schultz left the company briefly and opened his own chain of coffee bars.

In 1984 Starbucks purchased Peet’s and in 1987, the owners sold the Starbucks chain to Schultz who rebranded his own coffee houses as Starbucks and quickly began to expand.

Today, Starbucks has more than 15,000 stores worldwide and is the premier roaster and retailer of specialty coffee in the world. Their mission is “to inspire and nurture the human spirit – one person, one cup and one neighborhood at a time.”

It's no secret. I LOVE Starbucks. I really do.

I was never a coffee drinker. Nope. Not at all. But in January 2010 I discovered Starbucks. It was a place to meet people; to be social. Not being a coffee drinker, I ordered hot chocolate most often. After learning how many calories were in a tall hot chocolate I started looking for alternatives. Plain, unsweetened tea had zero, but was kind of unexciting. One day I saw a sign for the "Skinny Vanilla Latte" - a tall only had 90 calories. I was barely able to drink an entire tall, and would usually just sip it and toss about half. Somewhere, somehow, though I really developed a taste for espresso and a tall every few days turned into a grande or venti every day and sometimes even more like twice a day. In the process I also discovered iced coffee, iced lattes, Frappaccinos, cappuccinos, chai and tea lattes.

Starbucks isnt just about the coffee. You pay a premium price for a premium experience. I love the music, the lighting, and the people. I have met a lot of great friends sitting in that coffee house. Regulars, staff, and random folks that just asked to share a table.

From the beginning, Starbucks set out to be a different kind of company. One that not only celebrated coffee and rich tradition, but that also brought a feeling of connection.

And they do.

Coffee facts:

* People around the world drink more coffee than any other drink besides water.

* Coffee is second only to oil as a U.S. import.

* It is known that coffee delivers more health-giving antioxidants to our diet than fruit, vegetables and nuts.

* Coffee reduces your chances of developing Parkinson's Disease, liver and colon cancers, cirrhosis of the liver, type 2 diabetes, and heart disease.

* Coffee increases male fertility and can also protect you from skin cancer.

* Coffee improves creativity, fights fatigue and has a long life (6hrs)

* Coffee is a hospitality drink. :) "A cup of coffee commits one to forty years of friendship."

* The harder researchers work to detect the bad things coffee does to you, the more they unearth the health benefits.

"Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death, and sweet as love."

- Turkish Proverb

Coffee Drinks:

Latte: 50% espresso and 50% steamed milk; can be flavored with syrups. (this is my favorite!)

Cafe Americano: espresso and hot water

Espresso con panna: espresso with whipped cream

Latte Macchiato: milk "stained" (or "marked") with espresso.

Cafe Macchiato: espresso "stained" (or "marked") with milk.

Cafe au lait or misto: brewed coffee or espresso with steamed milk

Cappuccino: 1/3 espresso, 1/3 steamed milk, 1/3 foamed milk. Shaved chocolate, cinnamon, raw sugar or other spices are often sprinkled on the top of the finished drink.

Mocha: espresso and steamed milk with chocolate.

Best Drink Choices at Starbucks (under 200 calories)

Cold:

* Iced coffee (any size, unsweetened or use sugar free syrups or a small amount of sugar, and drink black or with a very small amount of skim milk)

* Iced tea (any size, unsweetened or use sugar free syrups or a small amount of sugar)

* Iced Latte (non-fat, sugar free syrup- tall (60) grande (90) venti (120)

* Iced tea lemonade (tall 100 calories)

* Caramel Frappaccino Light (tall 100, grande 150)

Hot:

* Brewed coffee (5 calories, unsweetened, black)

* Tazo Tea (0 calories, unsweetened, black)

* Cafe Americano (10 unsweetened, black)

* Non-fat cappuccino (60, tall)

* Non-fat latte (100 tall)

* Skinny Flavored Latte (90 tall, 130 grande, 160 venti)

* Chai latte (tall 150)

* Non-fat green tea latte (150 tall)

* Non-fat cafe mocha (170 tall)

* Steamed Apple Juice (170 tall)

Real food. Simply Delicious.

Starbucks has removed the artificial trans fats, artificial flavors, artificial dyes and high fructose corn syrup from their food.

Good Food Choices:

Need a quick meal? These are my favorites.

* Perfect Oatmeal (plain 140 cals, add brown sugar 50 calories, add dried fruit 100 calories, add nuts 100 calories)

* Spinach Feta egg white Wrap (280 calories, 18 grams of protein)

* Protein plate: boiled egg, apple slices, cheddar cheese, grapes, meuseli bread and peanut butter packet (370 calories)

Best treat options:

* Rice crispy bar (210 calories)

* Mini vanilla bean scone (140 calories)

* Mini donut (130 calories)

* Mini cookie (150 calories)

* Fruit cup (100 calories)

* Banana (100 calories)

Research!

My favorite store in Wayland, MA

Best staff, best regulars

Bedford and Acton tie for close seconds. :)

I AM AWESOME!

2011-01-18T16:47:00.001-05:00

I AM AWESOME! Yes. Really. I am.

Today started out pretty good. I got up around 6am, did some reading and journaling, made oatmeal, amazing grass and a french press of espresso roast coffee. I added Barney Butter, peanuts and fruit spread to my oats (PBJ oats) and only one raw sugar packet to the coffee. Ate it all while sitting on my bed with my iPad still engrossed in an article about nutrition. Hit the shower, dressed nice, spent extra time on my hair and makeup and headed out the door to meet a friend at Starbucks so I could talk about that Cute Boy I like.

As I pulled out of the driveway it seemed like my pretty car was having a hard time pushing through the snow. I thought it was just because there was a lot of it since it snowed AGAIN today in the beautiful Boston area. So, I just kept pushing her along. Finally about 500 yards or so up the road the Pretty Lady wasnt moving anymore. I kept stomping on her accelerator but all she did was respond with a buried speedometer and a burning smell. I figured I had better take a look to see what ailed her. I pretty much knew, but, well...

I get out and I am greeted by a tire completely off the rim on the driver's side. Awesome. I saw this one coming, you know I did. This was written more than 15 years ago, when the original Pretty Lady skidded on some ice and popped the same tire right off the rim in a snow storm. She required a flat bed tow and a lot more work than what I had to take care of today. Its a sign (laugh if you want to...my dog is coming back, and soon. I know it).

Luckily I wasnt too far from home, so I walked back, changed my coat (had on a full length wool coat) and told my daughter to get dressed and come with me. I have been driving for 23 years. I have driven millions of miles. But I have never once, changed a tire. My dad always came and bailed me out. Always. When I bought this car, the idea was that I, alone, was going to take care of it. That I would learn. And now was as good a time as any. I pulled out the car's yellowing manual and turned to the section about changing tires. We were just getting to the jack when a cop pulled up. The cop gets put of her cruiser and tells me I need to call a wrecker, that I cannot stay on the road. I tell her, no, that I will do it. She tells me I dont have much time. I tell her I dont care, that I would have the car off the road in less than an hour. She sort of laughs at me as I look at the diagram in the book. Whatever, right? My daughter and I get the jack, wrench and spare tire (little donut thing) out of the trunk. I put the parking break on and straighten the wheels out. I shoved the jack under the car where I THOUGHT it should go and started cranking. It wasnt where it was supposed to go and it cracked a small piece of the plastic trim off of the bottom of the car :( That was a killer, because the car is so important to me. I got down to look at the damage (there really isnt any, but still) and found where the jack was really supposed to go. I cranked it up. Yes I did. The whole time with the lady cop telling me I would never get the screw things and the wheel off. I CAREFULLY pried off the hubcap and took the wrench to the screw things. They were TIGHT, but I am WONDERWOMAN! And yes, I DID get them all off. Each time one came off the cop would say, "Wow, now only --- more." When I got to the last one she said, "You'll never get that last one." I replied with, "Thanks, you just guaranteed I will get it off, just watch." And I did. The wheel came right off, too. Lady cop was convinced it would be stuck. I put the spare on MYSELF and tightened all of the screw things MYSELF. HA HA. I threatened my kid a few times, because I was afraid she would hurt the car. Lady cop laughs and tells me not to fight with my sister. My mom says, "They are mother and daughter!" Lady cop says, "Wow! You dont look old enough to have a daughter that old." Hehehehehe. My mom tells her I have six kids. Ugh. :P~

As I am finishing it allll up and my kid is helping me put the flat tire and the tools and stuff into the trunk the guy my mom called to come and help showed up. Tooooo late. It didnt stop him from getting out and "checking" to make sure I had screwed everything on right @@ <--- eyeroll, because I AM a girl. Jerk. At this point I was all wet and covered with snow. Not so pretty anymore. He asked my mom if she would give him a ride back home and I told him to walk :) He asked if he could just stay with me all day (umm, no) and when I said, "I'm a mess!" he tells me how good I look. Ummm....yeah.

I was super afraid I had done damage to my beautiful car by driving on the flat, but she took off through the snow just fine. I brought her home and my mom and I took my flat to her mechanic. He put a temporary tire on it and is ordering a new one for tomorrow afternoon. When I finally got her back home with a full sized tire on her, she got stuck in the damn drive way. Stupid snow. Ugh. My daughter shoveled all around the car and then helped to push it back out onto the street. Soooo...

I had to shovel and snow blow the driveway AGAIN in order for my mom and I to get back it. It is raining now and it is expected to freeze solid tonight, so I figured I had better get it cleaned up before. The snow blower rocked this afternoon and didnt give me too much of a hard time.

I have had to completely change my clothes TWICE. I went through 3 pairs of gloves, my special "Nana" gloves have grease on them. My feet are still FREEZING even WITH wool socks and Uggs. But I feel like a ROCK STAR! I did it MYSELF! All of it!

Lunch was a spinach salad with tofu, cottage cheese, berries, cukes, carrots and honey; and a few Food Should Taste Good chips. I made a Tazo Chai tea "latte" with concentrate we bought on sale at WFM for my daughter and I to share, and I had a bag of Annies Bunnies.

I will NOT let snow keep me away from what I want to do, and I wanted to go out damn it! So I grabbed my stuff and told my daughter she could come too, even though this was supposed to be a day ALONE. I figure she had earned it. We drove to B&N because I need another journal. The store was DEAD because everyone else is a sissy (or smart I guess) so we looked around for a little while and discovered a clearance table that had things on it we actually wanted! I got the Nightmare Before Christmas Yatzee game and a Marianne Williamson book (I am not a fan of hers, but for $1.24 I will look at it). My daughter got a journal and a Madame Alexander Witch doll. Oh, and I got the Moleskine journal too.

I decided I was hungry again and decided what the hell...we drove to WFM where I got a tofu and veggie burrito and we took it back to Starbucks to eat. There I got a large latte (yeah, I know...but I *deserved* it, right? :) and one rice crispy bar which I split with my daughter. Now I am just reading and relaxing a little before we drive though the ice storm to get home.

Today didnt suck. Nope. Not at all. Very empowering. Liberating. And AWESOME.

Goodnight!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Quiet, still, content...

2011-01-17T18:18:00.001-05:00

I have spent almost the entire day studying about the government conspiracy relating to the public health. I have to stop now. I feel like my head is about to explode. I got up early today and have felt better physically than I have in over a week. No bone crushing fatigue. I fell asleep last night after reading Thich Nhat Hahn and trying to meditate. But I woke up several times during the night. Like completely awake. Maybe that is why I have been so tired? Not sleeping restfully? I had some serious "lightbulb" moments this morning and was feeling like I was about to make some huge break throughs. So, I mistakenly decided to take a shower so I could head out and work at my favorite place, but by the time I got there the thoughts and the energy had passed. Ugh. I hate that.

I outlined a lot today and I took a lot of notes. Due to my hyper-state this morning I succumbed to negative habit energy and thererfore ate things I probably shouldnt have. In the realm of sugar I have consumed a rice crispy bar and a mini scone. I have had one french pressed coffee, one iced coffee, and one small latte today, too. Speaking of the french press...it worked well and produced a very nice tasting cup of espresso blend coffee which I had with my oatmeal. It could have been the total reason for my high powered day. I have never had a "morning" cup of caffeine.

I am content. Like I said, lightbulb moments this morning, shed insight into a bunch of areas for me. I captured what I could. Maybe more will come back to me tonight. I have work to do. Lots of work to do.

No exercise today. I was too wrapped up in what I had found. It will come though. I need to become the product I advertise. My stomach is upset. Possibly a mainifestation of what has been flyng around in my head all day.

Worried about my mom today. Today has been a hard one.

I just did something stupid. Regret, regret, regret.

ETA: no regret. All better.

Goodnight.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wasnt too good of a day...

2011-01-16T18:06:00.001-05:00

I am feeling kind of lonely and aimless tonight. I didnt make it to the Cape to see my aunt today. Mostly I sat around my rooms and Starbucks today. It wasnt as great a day as I hoped it would be when I got up this morning.

I think some of the down-ness is related to a bit of heartache. I am trying not to feel it; trying to keep the suffering to a minimum, but its there. It sucks. I have no regrets about him. I would do it all again, changing nothing. But its hard.

I am also sad about my dad. Its really hard to believe he is really gone. My mom was having a hard time today, even though she said she was OK. I could tell.

I bought a small french press and a half pound of Starbucks coffee to experiment with. I bought my daughter and I each a small Starbucks mug, too. We shopped at Target for my school supplies, containers, and some picture frames. All things that were on the nagging tasks list this week. I would like to find a bento box.

Food has been good all day. Amazing Grass, steel cut oats, a Protein Plate from Starbucks (boiled egg, apple, cheddar, peanut butter, meusli bread), iced coffee, half a veggie tofu burrito, a two bite cupcake, a taste of chocolate trail mix, and a small, unsweetened non-fat cappuccino. A little under 1400 calories, and I am satisfied and not stuffed. Still tired and sleeping too much. Sad.

Night.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

2011-01-16T12:41:00.001-05:00

This is what I asked my mom if I have from my dad...his glasses, his shoe-horn, and the little ruler he always had in his pocket.

I put the ruler on a shelf next to my bed and the other things in my music cabinet.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Going to be a Good Day!

2011-01-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

OK. Allow me to say, AGAIN, that everyone should run. Yes. Everyone. Get outside under the sun, in the fresh air, and ride the wind. I am going to have a beautiful day because I got out of bed (late again-WTF?) and took to the snow covered road. I tried to make excuses, saying I would take one more day, but the sun was so bright shining through the window and I know the secret so there was no excuse. I knew that after I would feel magnificent. So I ran for that.

Oh, and wool socks are where it’s at!!! I will never wear synthetics in the winter again! I have three pairs of Northface running and multisport and wore them all last year. I got a bunch from Smart Wool in the late summer and early fall intended for hiking. Early this winter when it started to get cold, I hadn’t yet pulled out all of the winter gear, but the wool socks were still out from hiking and I tried them. I didn’t realize how much BETTER they were than the North Face socks until a week or so ago when I grabbed the North Face socks and went running. What a difference!!! The wool socks are so much warmer!!! I have running specific and multisport as well as hiking specific wool socks (Thanks Smart Wool) and there is nothing better for running, walking outside, wearing inside of boots, HIKING, or if you just have cold feet at home! I love them. OK. That’s it about socks!

So I got to running, but I am not going to the Y this morning. Nope. But I will get there. At least a couple of times in the coming week. And then classes start and I need to get into a solid schedule. I am so excited and thankful I am able to do this.

This week I am choosing to study mindfulness and the law of attraction (please, someone tell me to leave the quantum physics-I scare myself! :) I need a new Moleskine notebook (journaling is fun) as I have already filled two of them. I have a few nagging tasks that need to be taken care of – I have to go to Target and buy notebooks for school; I need to buy plastic lunch containers for bringing lunches/dinners to school during the 12, 12, and 8hr days that … have I mentioned…don’t include a BREAK. On one day there is a 40min window between biology lab and EMT but that’s it. I still don’t know what I was thinking. Those two tasks need to be completed this week for sure. I have a large packet of paperwork that needs to be completed for a lawyer. That I will give myself a couple of weeks to do. And I need to make sure I get the last couple of text books that I need as well as pay a couple of bills. I have to drop a few silk shirts off to be dry cleaned, too. I re-wrote the list last night so I could cross things off as they were completed. The nagging tasks lists seem to be helping out.

As far as today – I am icing now and then getting into the shower. I think my daughter and I are going back to WFM for lunch again (I know, I am a dumb ass) and then going to see my aunt. We didn’t go see her yesterday. I might stop at the outlet malls on the way to look around. After we spend a couple of hours with my aunt I am going to Starbucks!

I am at peace with feelings about the Cute Boy I like. He has been very good to me over the last couple of days. You can read about Friday night here. :) He rocked my world.

I am choosing to have a good day. You can, too.

Later!